This morning I find myself reflecting back to the days of a much younger self. My Chris and I had been married 3 years and were expecting our first baby. There was a surprise announcement to Chris. There were celebratory dinners and baby gifts presented and announcements to parents. Then the unthinkable. After 8 weeks of growth, baby stopped developing and I had a miscarriage. How could a tiny human, the size of a jelly bean, make such a large impact on this Mamma's heart?
I cried. I had a DNC. I moved on. Actually, I don't believe it was until after the birth of our dear Addison that I breathed in the gravity of losing our first baby. Honestly, I still sometimes stop and think of that very first baby. And a tear rolls down my cheek.
This past week I was applying makeup and throwing laundry into the machine and wiping counters, trying to organize my time before meeting a friend. I had, as I usually do, a play list on YouTube doing it's thing. A song came on. I stopped. I drank in the words. I smiled as fresh tears trickled down an aging face remembering the young self that lost her first baby.
I applied more makeup and dashed off to my coffee date.
We sipped our coffee in large porcelain cups and the subject of losing children came up. My dear friend had lost 3 babies. I never knew. She has four children. But when the topic of those "lost babies" came up she said without hesitation she was the mother of seven children. I knew what she meant.
If you click on the link above, you'll listen to a song written by ones who lost a baby. Words like "such a short time, such a long road", "silence brought me to His voice" and "I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you" leave me shaking my head in positive affirmation. Yes. I get it.
My friend also said she didn't know if she grieved, at the time, for the loss. That's a familiar theme among those who loose babies who were never born outside the womb and therefore I believe the point of my blog. Grieve, Mamma, for the one that was formed in your womb but never lived outside of it. It's OK. Visit that place in your heart and let fresh healing come to an old emotional wound. You can praise the One who chose you to carry that little one ... if even for a very short time. He takes what is unrenewed and renews it. He takes what is unresolved and resolves it. He takes what is incomplete and completes it. Your heart is where He takes greatest pleasure in dwelling.
He has carried me,