Undone


I am undone.

In my youth, I worked hard - for God.  I ticked off the boxes that meant I was a good girl.

No drinking - tick
No cussing - tick
No sex - tick
No smoking - tick
No dressing provocatively - tick
No having fun that would lead to drinking, cussing, sex, smoking, dressing provocatively - tick.

These were the "biggies".  These were the things that my religious community held in high esteem and waved on banners that declared "good" girls good and "bad" girls bad.

As I climbed out of youth and entered into adulthood, I remained good.  Now, I had other boxes to tick.

Be a good wife - tick
Be a good mom - tick
Be involved in church - tick
Be active in church and say yes to whatever the church asks of you - tick

At some point, I realized that being good was a lot of hard work.  Being good often meant that I worked really hard for other people and spent little time with God.  The time I did spend with God was whittled away by asking forgiveness for not being all the things I thought I needed to tick off my list.

Because God is not a fan of lies, He helped set me straight.  Just like the religious leaders in Jesus' times, I had bought into a religious way of life that had very little to do with God and more to do with my behavior.  It was time to put that way of life to bed.

Grace is a curious thing.  Once you are exposed to Grace, there is a permissiveness that scares you.  You mean I could curse and God would love me?  Yep.  You mean I could not be so involved in church and God would love me?  Yep.  Now before hairs get raised on backs of necks, I'm not painting a picture of free love, sex and rock and roll.  I'm just making a point that Grace - upon first glance to a religious follower - can be scary.  Really scary.

So much of my early religious upbringing focused on behavior.  Don't do this, do this ... and God will love you.  Now nobody said it.  Nobody said "the more you work for God the more He loves you" but it was implied.
"Oh look at Mrs. Here-every-Sunday.  She is such a martyr.  Her back went out, her dog died, her dishwasher backed up, and her children are sick ... but she's here this Sunday to worship God."  
No she's not!  She's here to tick off boxes!!

Eventually, Grace became a wonderful teacher and I began to come out from under the spell of working and into a beautiful place that was meant for me all along.  No works.  No being this or that. No ticking off boxes.  Instead, it was a place where time spent with God was way more important than doing things for God.  It has taken time.  It has required a new way of looking at God ... and myself.  It has taken me to His Word to discover what He REALLY says is important.

So ... this undone"ness" this morning comes from a story that hits that nail on the head (Luke 15):  Two sons based their value and their identity on their works.  One son, the "bad" one", took his inheritance money and lived like a wild man.  After partying too hard and living too close to the edge, he returned home, settled to be reduced to a servant in his fathers' household based on his actions.  The other son, the "good" one, stayed at home and ticked off boxes.  He did the right things.  He did what was expected.  He stayed and worked with the father being faithful while at the same time disconnected at a heart level.  He based his value to the father on his actions.

Both sons got it wrong.  The father never considered the "bad" son as lost.  He waited for his return ... every day.  His actions were separate from his identity.  The father never considered the "good" son as more valuable.  He never intended the "good" son to work to keep his favor; he already had given him his favor.

Both sons worked themselves to try to earn what they already had!

I try hard not to work for God.  When I do, I feel disconnected, frazzled, propelled to pick up a pencil to tick off  boxes and get frustrated.  I've learned that time spent reading in God's Word, talking to Him (in my head) as I go throughout my day, and trusting Him when I struggle to believe lies are the things that change my behavior.  Why?  Because the way to my heart is ... through my heart.  When my heart is linked into God's my behavior becomes like His!

Trusting in Grace and living like a Son,
Christina

Share:

0 comments