Libby: Princess Warrior

When Libby was born, I was 35 years old.  I had settled in my brain and body that no more children would pass through my reproductive organs.  Being a mother of two girls aged 8 and 4 was more than my mind, heart and body could imagine and I was truly blessed.  I was complete.  I was whole.

... or so I thought.

December of 2002 was a hard month.  I had been feeling poorly.  During a much needed night out with a girl friend, I mentioned my maladies, and to my shock, she suggested I was pregnant.  Impossible.  Yet her words planted room for doubt.  Before heading back home I bought a pregnancy test.

Arriving late, I expressed to my Chris both my concern of my "condition" and my need to take the test.  I went into the bathroom, peed on the stick, and prayed that if God loved me ... that strip would produce a minus sign and I could go on living.  We waited the 5 minutes suggested in the instruction pamphlet and uttered nothing to one another.  If thoughts could have been heard we would have been deafened by the sounds.

The hoped for outcome failed us.  A plus sign.  A plus sign meant a baby.  There was no room for a baby in my mind ...

Fast forward 9 ish months.  The setting is a delivery room and a nurse saying "Push"!  Still in denial that a baby was in our future, I was scared.  Hours after delivering our third girl ... our 9 lb 1 oz bundle of baby girl ... I began experiencing Anxiety like I had never experienced before.

Libby's delivery into life marked my delivery from Anxiety.

Yesterday, that Libby girl of mine left for a three-day school trip.  That precious girl of mine who changed my life has her own struggles with Anxiety.  Because God is good, He uses her struggles to make her strong.  Strong as a mighty Princess Warrior.  Yesterday she had battles to face and took up arms to fight well.

She could have stayed home.  She wanted to stay home.  Despite knowing she would bond with her friends, have an exceedingly wonderful time and make the most spectacular memories frolicking about in the Austrian countryside, her anxiety was speaking loudly.  She left for her trip, not unafraid, but putting her confidence in the knowledge that God has always been by her side.  With confidence and boldness, she waved goodbye.

Confidence.
Boldness.

Two words God keeps having me pay attention to ... so therefore I am.

Confidence.
Boldness.

I see these words in reference to praying, to approaching God, to living life.  This morning I ran across them again and I sat in my blue chair and just asked God to show me more ... more of what these words mean.  As I asked, He gave me pictures in my head of my Libby.

When we are secure in the love God has for us ... we can pray, approach God and live with confidence and in boldness.  Not in ourselves, but in the God that loves us.

He determined His love for us, according to I John 14, when Jesus died on the cross.  He could not love us more or less.  It was and is settled.

I get less confident and less bold when I am unsure of my backing. Yet, when I know I am loved, I can move forward.  I don't doubt any outcome because I know God has my good outcome in His loving plans.  His love for me is settled.

I freak out when I don't think God really loves me.  When I pray for a certain outcome, I get weak kneed and worry because I think ... "Yikes!  If God doesn't' love me then this could go really bad."  I know in my head that God loves me but somehow I remain unconvinced that His love for me is settled.  I get afraid that what I'm praying for will end poorly, thus supporting the idea that I am unloved.

Example:  I experience Anxiety.  If I think God doesn't love me, then I blame Anxiety on God and attribute all the bad effects towards this unloving God.  I feel alone.  I feel no confidence to pray and certainly feel no boldness to come and ask this God for help.

But ... what I'm still learning is a far better and biblical way to live.

Example:  I experience Anxiety.  I know God loves me.  I don't blame Anxiety on Him but know He will use any bad effects for my good because He is a loving Father.  I don't feel alone.  I feel accompanied by a close friend.  I do feel confident to pray and feel bold to tell God exactly how I feel ... and watch Him work everything out for good.  My good.  Sometimes that is total removal of Anxiety.  Sometimes that is a new perspective.  Sometimes that is such an overwhelming sense of His presence I am undone.

Libby has been a good teacher.  I see in her what God must see in me:  an often frightened daughter who is learning to trust in a loving and good parent.

Thank you, Libby, for being a Princess Warrior,
Your Mom,
Christina