What do you do with hurt?

In the last 7 days, I've had so much hurt I feel like my heart will burst.  It's not that one single hurt has taken precedence over the other, it's the accumulation of the hurt that has taken its toll on my humanness.  The events are broken down into the "Biggies" and the "Minors".  The "Biggies":

• My cousin, in her early 40's, has just been diagnosed with aggressive stage 2 breast cancer.

• My mother-in-law, in her late 70's, has declined in health and now faces yet another care transition.

• My friend, in his mid 40's, died suddenly just last night.

• My teammate is dealing with a life way too hard.  As we speak, her Mother is dying and we are trying to help her navigate international flights during COVID.

Add to that the "Minors": 

• car repairs

• a constantly dripping faucet in my upstairs bathroom

• a migraine headache

• a surgery for my Mom, JoAnn

• and unemployment for my youngest daughter who needs money to do her teenage life

And then, the nagging feeling that "normal" life has evaporated to a far away place, the toxicity of news, the division in my community, the chatter on Facebook ... it all piles up on tender hearts that when left unattended makes one feel ... hurt.

What do you do with the hurt?

• When I heard of my cousin's diagnosis I cried.  I called her.  I prayed.  I told My Chris.

• As we've dealt with the myriad of details that seem to consume us with the transition of my Mother-in-law, I've gotten frustrated. I've cried. I've been angry. I've escaped by watching old episodes of "Highway to Heaven" on Netflix.

• When I heard the news of my friend's death I cried.  I questioned why our collective prayers were not answered by renewing his body to live.  I anguished for his wife who is a dear friend.  I didn't sleep.

• When I talked with my teammate, I, too, felt her hurt.  When I got off the phone, I cried.  Her words echoed mine but it was her hurt I felt.  I'm calling to find out what you have to do to travel internationally during a worldwide Pandemic.  Even typing the words seems like a science-fiction novel.

The other "minor" things just get pushed aside to deal with when they are most ready for my attention.  They don't require my mental energy to the degree of the "Biggies".  They do require emotional stamina which seems to elude me right now.

What do you do with the hurt?

Lesson #1:  Acknowledge there will be trouble.

As a follower of Jesus, I am not promised life lived through rose colored glasses.  Quite the contrary.  Jesus says that in fact there will be trouble.  Trouble.  Right here in River City.  Trouble with a capital "T"!  I've lived enough years on the planet to get that.  Trouble in this life is a promise.  You can always count that there will be trouble.  To live with the expectation that bad things will not happen is futile.  Put on your big girl panties and face the reality.  

Lesson #2:  Acknowledge there will be peace.

In the middle of the trouble, there is also peace.  It sounds like an oxymoron but most of the things Christ followers anchor their lives upon does.  Christs' way of navigating life doesn't follow the world's rule books.  We live by faith.  But we also live knowing that He is peace and gives peace.  I don't understand it. I just choose to continue living in it.  This peace billows down like a heavy fog and envelopes the inner cracks of my soul.  It's what I need when I hurt.  And when I hurt, I need it 24/7.

Lesson #3:  Acknowledge there will be relief.

Trouble will pass.  New trouble will come, but the current trouble will pass.  How I walk through the trouble is crucial.  Living in the midst of trouble wanting it to be over and not dealing with the reality it brings, surprised by it, or refusing to utilize the peace in the middle of it is a recipe for disaster.

Now is the time to mature in our faith.  The world isn't in need of a pansy, Sunday School kind of religious  movement that puts sweet labels on circumstances and ties everything up in a special prayer-like mantra.  It's time to put on combat boots and live our faith as movie- character Heroes.  It's time.  Trouble, it's all around us.  It's time to show the world what living with Jesus in the middle of the Trouble can do for a weak human living with total dependence on the supernatural arms of a strong God who can overcome anything.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

Today's Lesson:  Morning Walks Clear Heads

In my young adult years, I suffered from Anxiety.  I make it a noun, in capital letters, out of respect.  Anxiety was an enemy that has now been defeated.  However, because God is good and never wastes anything meant for our demise, I honor it as that thing that put fierce tenacity in my soul towards God's Word.

You see, Anxiety tried to tell me that real is not real and God is weak.  Anxiety always raised its head above my circumstances, bullying its way to the top of the list of things to do or things to fear and made itself an honorary dictator.  The problem is that self-promotion is false and God is a Rock.

During those years when I battled with Anxiety, and trust me - it was a battle, I learned that taking walks cleared my head.  My eyes were forced to see tangible evidence of God's handiwork instead of the piles of laundry and unticked boxes on lists that kept my total attention.  My ears were forced to listen to noises other than the voices yammering in my ears like annoying small dogs with high-pitched voices.  Outside made everything better inside of me.


This morning, I needed to walk.  Anxiety wasn't rearing its ugly and impotent head, but things were getting loud in my brain.  So, after letting God's Word sit lightly on the surface of my heart, I took to the streets.

Letting God's Word sit lightly is a good thing.  Leaving it there to sit by itself usually ends with dismissal.  But when those words sit lightly, they have the power to penetrate in tough places.  That's what happened during my walk.

As I unloaded, I kept hearing the Spirit whipser those words back to me that I read this morning:  "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer."  Psalm 19:14  

As I began the dialogue that has become so familiar and priceless to me, it makes sense.  Words and mediations can be acceptable to God.  Words guided and mediations directed by God's Word are acceptable.  But, what happens when they are not?  What happens when I have a morning like this morning when it's hard to put fierce trust in God's words because circumstances are distracting me from what I know to be true?  I have to filter my own words and thoughts through God's Words and thoughts.  I use that Rock, who God says He is, to sustain me and my words and thoughts.   I use His redeeming character to know that my words can trust His words because I have been redeemed.  My mediations can be redeemed.  And when they are junk ... when I forget He is Rock and I am Redeemed, He redeems the words and the thoughts for His good!  Oh, my friend, it's a win/win situation!

Unpacking my own thoughts, filtered by what God says, changes my words.  I may feel this or that.  But, I will speak God's Word as a battle cry because His Words have power, life, and are able to sustain and uplift me like the Rock.

So, let the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer!!

Walking and letting words and thoughts be acceptable,
Christina

Being a child of the 70's (OK ... born in 1968) I love The Carpenters.  Yes, I bolded them because this iconic, brother/sister, musical, genius, talented, power group deserves proper Noun status.  Today, the song Rainy Days and Mondays popped into my head.  Karen's rich, alto, bravado echoes almost in monastic-like chants a recurring line that captured my head and trickled into those reflective parts of my heart and thus commanded me to write.  Karen is talking about how rainy days and Mondays always get her down.

Question for myself:  Are there things in my life that always get me down?
Answer:  Yes.
Follow-up Question:  Always?
Follow-up Answer:  Yes.

Then I think about why they always get me down.  They've become a habit.  When certain things occur, a "down" feeling has become such a habit I assume the "down" position.  It doesn't occur to me that another alternative is available to me.  I just go with the flow and become - down.  Karen spouts this similar philosophy when she sings: "What I feel has come and gone before."  There you have it!  It's a reoccurring pattern.

Enough dribble.  Let me give you a real-life example:  I get fearful of new meetings.  This sounds a bit ridiculous since most of my life is centered around meetings.  However, it's a reality.  I don't know if "fearful" is the word ... but there is a certain anxiety that forms in between my shoulders at the base of my neck in the form of unwanted tension.  It then creeps down into my tummy where an unsettled, queazy, yuck feeling remains until after my meeting passes.  It could be a first-time coffee meeting with a person I want to call a friend, it could be a potential partnership with Fahrenheit, it could be a meeting with someone I meet on a regular basis.  It sounds quite - weird - when I put this down in black and white but let me assure you, the feeling I get is quite real and has developed a pattern in my life.  It's become common and one I expect.  The line from Ms. Carperenters song that has done so much to prompt these reflective pieces of prose:

"Funny but it seems it's the only thing to do.  Run and find the one who loves me."

Through a series of talks with the One I run to when the "down" comes my way has got me to pondering these fearful feelings. I first recognized the fear.  This happened when I was being quiet.  Holy Spirit showed me this fearful feeling was becoming a problem. There wasn't judgment from a harsh Authority.  There was, instead, a gentle pointing out of the obvious much like the pointing out that comes from a close friend.  This feeling of fearfulness isn't designed for me nor does it come from the One that loves me.  Whew!  Once that got out of the way, I began to assess what to do with the rhythm I had grown accustomed to ... a meeting hence the feeling.  As most answers from Holy Spirit come with simple action steps, the answer to this overcoming was equally as simple "talk to me".  When the fearful feelings began to rise up like tiny soldiers on their way to that spot in my neck, start talking to Holy Spirit.  "Hey, here it comes.  Take it from me and replace it with those feelings I was designed to experience."  Simple.

I've started doing this over the last few weeks.  I've noticed I'm developing a new rhythm.  When the "rainy days and Mondays" fearful feeling due to a meeting comes, my default is not neck to tummy weirdness but rather conversation ... as in "the only thing do is to turn and find the One who loves me".  Karen was on to something.  Running to the One who loves me changes my trajectory.  Truth always trumps lies.  And now I see that fearful feeling was an attempt to squash my confidence in what God intends for my good, for someone else's good, for His good!

How do I know this works?  I had a meeting a few days ago.  It wasn't until after I got home and was pondering the to and fro of our conversation that I realized ... that feeling never surfaced.  Shazam!

Running and finding the One that loves me,
Christina

Despite my doctor reading numbers on a blood test and proclaiming that hormone levels do not indicate I am in menopause, my body, mind, and overall well-being beg to differ.  I feel ... funky.  Funk leads to worry.  Worry leads to bouts of temporary depression.  Temporary depression leads to more worry.  More worry leads to more funk.  You get the picture.

For the last few years, this seems to be a reoccurring cycle.  During these times of "I'm going to scream if I don't start feeling normal!",  I notice that I give power to all the wrong things.  There is validity to my power exchange.

When my Mom was 48 years old, she died.  She had been sick on and off for the last 10 years of her life.  When I don't feel "normal", a head game ensues.  I've recognized that I equate sickness to powerlessness because there is a belief that was discharged in my brain at a young age that sickness eventually leads to death.

As I walk with Jesus, and he teaches me His way of life, I understand more and more the difference between AUTHORITY and POWER.  Because we are a spirit, God told us that we wage war against those things that we can't see - those things that are in the spirit.  In the spirit realm, when Jesus died on the cross, He was given all AUTHORITY.  He disarmed rulers and authorities that had previously ruled supreme - and that means the evil one.

Now, the adversary of Jesus has power.  The Bible says that he is the ruler of this world.  But he, being an unfair and underhanded player of the game of life, uses his power to intimidate us into believing that he also has AUTHORITY over us.

When we are in Christ, we belong under the AUTHORITY of Christ.  That means the enemy no longer has the right to use his power against us.  But what he forgets and wants us to doubt is that the cross removed his authority over us.

That's good news.

But how does that work ... when I'm feeling nuts?  or lose my job?  or suffer injury from a jerk boss?  or fight with my spouse?  or get sick?  or stay depressed?

Walk with me a minute.  Stay with me.  Tony Evans (1) gives a wonderful example that speaks volumes to me.  If a madman comes into your home with a gun and tells you to sit in a chair or give him all your money or empty your jewelry drawer into a pillowcase ... you sit in a chair, give him all your money and empty your jewelry drawer into a pillowcase.  He's got the power.  That gun calls the shots.

But ... what if that gun had no bullets?

Dramatic pause ...

For me, when I'm feeling nuts, I'm learning to hear from Jesus, the author of Truth.  He tells me that HE has AUTHORITY.  When I operate from this point of view, the "feeling nuts" looses power.  I can choose to let feeling nuts scare me, worry me, wonder when normal will resume etc. or I can remember that Satan desires to give this feeling of nuts way more power over me than is necessary.

I'm practical.  I like that God knows that and gives me lots of practical to help navigate life.

This morning as I was dipping into my homeopathic tablets to help balance hormones and wondering when my heart would stop beating against my chest, I opened my Bible.

Don't worry about anything.  Instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank Him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace.  Philippians 4

When I realize under whose AUTHORITY I reside, I take a deep breath and tell him, through prayer, what's making me nuts.  I visualize those things being taken from my hands into the hands of a loving God.  And then, that place where I can not see but certainly can feel - my spirit - is made light.

I may need to repeat this recipe several times during my day.  But, its an exercise in reminding myself who's I am ... and under who's AUTHORITY counts.

Just for fun ... let this clip below serve as a visual reminder of the source of your POWER.
You've got the power!

Gimme Power,
Christina

(1) tonyevans.org

When Libby was born, I was 35 years old.  I had settled in my brain and body that no more children would pass through my reproductive organs.  Being a mother of two girls aged 8 and 4 was more than my mind, heart and body could imagine and I was truly blessed.  I was complete.  I was whole.

... or so I thought.

December of 2002 was a hard month.  I had been feeling poorly.  During a much needed night out with a girl friend, I mentioned my maladies, and to my shock, she suggested I was pregnant.  Impossible.  Yet her words planted room for doubt.  Before heading back home I bought a pregnancy test.

Arriving late, I expressed to my Chris both my concern of my "condition" and my need to take the test.  I went into the bathroom, peed on the stick, and prayed that if God loved me ... that strip would produce a minus sign and I could go on living.  We waited the 5 minutes suggested in the instruction pamphlet and uttered nothing to one another.  If thoughts could have been heard we would have been deafened by the sounds.

The hoped for outcome failed us.  A plus sign.  A plus sign meant a baby.  There was no room for a baby in my mind ...

Fast forward 9 ish months.  The setting is a delivery room and a nurse saying "Push"!  Still in denial that a baby was in our future, I was scared.  Hours after delivering our third girl ... our 9 lb 1 oz bundle of baby girl ... I began experiencing Anxiety like I had never experienced before.

Libby's delivery into life marked my delivery from Anxiety.

Yesterday, that Libby girl of mine left for a three-day school trip.  That precious girl of mine who changed my life has her own struggles with Anxiety.  Because God is good, He uses her struggles to make her strong.  Strong as a mighty Princess Warrior.  Yesterday she had battles to face and took up arms to fight well.

She could have stayed home.  She wanted to stay home.  Despite knowing she would bond with her friends, have an exceedingly wonderful time and make the most spectacular memories frolicking about in the Austrian countryside, her anxiety was speaking loudly.  She left for her trip, not unafraid, but putting her confidence in the knowledge that God has always been by her side.  With confidence and boldness, she waved goodbye.

Confidence.
Boldness.

Two words God keeps having me pay attention to ... so therefore I am.

Confidence.
Boldness.

I see these words in reference to praying, to approaching God, to living life.  This morning I ran across them again and I sat in my blue chair and just asked God to show me more ... more of what these words mean.  As I asked, He gave me pictures in my head of my Libby.

When we are secure in the love God has for us ... we can pray, approach God and live with confidence and in boldness.  Not in ourselves, but in the God that loves us.

He determined His love for us, according to I John 14, when Jesus died on the cross.  He could not love us more or less.  It was and is settled.

I get less confident and less bold when I am unsure of my backing. Yet, when I know I am loved, I can move forward.  I don't doubt any outcome because I know God has my good outcome in His loving plans.  His love for me is settled.

I freak out when I don't think God really loves me.  When I pray for a certain outcome, I get weak kneed and worry because I think ... "Yikes!  If God doesn't' love me then this could go really bad."  I know in my head that God loves me but somehow I remain unconvinced that His love for me is settled.  I get afraid that what I'm praying for will end poorly, thus supporting the idea that I am unloved.

Example:  I experience Anxiety.  If I think God doesn't love me, then I blame Anxiety on God and attribute all the bad effects towards this unloving God.  I feel alone.  I feel no confidence to pray and certainly feel no boldness to come and ask this God for help.

But ... what I'm still learning is a far better and biblical way to live.

Example:  I experience Anxiety.  I know God loves me.  I don't blame Anxiety on Him but know He will use any bad effects for my good because He is a loving Father.  I don't feel alone.  I feel accompanied by a close friend.  I do feel confident to pray and feel bold to tell God exactly how I feel ... and watch Him work everything out for good.  My good.  Sometimes that is total removal of Anxiety.  Sometimes that is a new perspective.  Sometimes that is such an overwhelming sense of His presence I am undone.

Libby has been a good teacher.  I see in her what God must see in me:  an often frightened daughter who is learning to trust in a loving and good parent.

Thank you, Libby, for being a Princess Warrior,
Your Mom,
Christina

Here are some absolute truths that I know:
1.  God heals
2.  God heals in His time
3.  God heals in His way

I have experienced God's healing with Anxiety and therefore have a story to tell.  However, how God has chosen to heal me from the effects of Anxiety may not look like how He's done it with others.  When I tell my story, it's my story.  Because God isn't a cookie-cutter-vending machine, He is creative and works differently with different people.  Ha, He's God for Pete sake!  God, who fashioned every person walking on planet earth, with unique DNA, personality traits and quirks, and each with his or her own purpose to fulfill.  

I mentioned that I have found a homeopathic pill (Sepia) that has helped me navigate the rough waters of Anxiety with the onset of hormonal shifts.  What I may not have also said it that this is one of many ways God has brought pills and information into my life to set me free from the crippling effects of Anxiety.

Again, I must preface what I'm about to say with the backstory of:  it's been a long journey.  When Anxiety first raised it's ugly head, I freaked out, finally went to the doctor, who prescribed me a pill - Paxal.  It stopped the madness and I kept taking the pill, however,  there were unpleasant side effects so after about a year and a half of pill popping, I stopped.  

Fast forward a few years when Anxiety really raised it's ugly head.  I tried homeopathic treatments.  I tried more pills.  I tried diet.  I tried vitamins.  After years of seeing what worked and what didn't, I landed on a cocktail of a pill plus several vitamins that balances hormones, settles chemicals, and releases serotonin to keep me on my game and normal.  

Why the total disclosure?  Pills are not God's secondary healing.  Healing is healing.  

Do not live in fear, shame or guilt if you pop a pill.  You're in good company, friend!  If God directs you (and for the record, you know when it's God directing you and when it's you trying to find an answer) to the right pill that does the trick - rejoice!  

I just feel like someone needs to say it.  I have enough faith to believe that God could heal me of anything.  He could speak the word over my brain and instantly line up all that is wrong.  He didn't when it first came knocking at my door; He led me to people, research and doctors and gave me - a pill.

Still popping,
Christina

• I am healed!
• Satan is stupid.
• Stop!  
• Pray and ask Jesus to help you.
• Do something different.

When I gave birth to my youngest, Libby, I was slammed with an awful case of anxiety.  Having faced anxiety in the past, I knew my opponent.  However, this time it came out with it's guns loaded full throttle and I was prey that demanded to be taken down.  For six weeks, I felt as if I had a target on my back and in my heart that kept being pelted by attacks - over and over - and over and over.  I was so tired of running I literally thought I would die.  My mind was wasted.  My body was disturbed.  I didn't trust my emotions.  I was a mess.


I thought it was my battle.  I thought it was my responsibility to go to war every day armed with scripture to take captive the thousands (literally) of thoughts that ran like enemy rogues in my head.  Yet this time, I had nothing left to give, fight with, stand against.  I.was.tired.

It was in this season (and can I just say that all enemy attacks have their seasons - they don't last forever) that God displayed His "I AM A MIGHTY WARRIOR" characteristic in a way I had never experienced.  I learned that in my weakness, in my break-downs in the shower under the safety of running water that muted my pitiful cries for help, God injected power into my situation.  I emerged six weeks later as a new person.  God won my battle.

How?  Weakness.  When I am strong, I am very strong.  I know I can leap mountains, scale buildings, bake brownies, and win Mom of the Year all while wearing pearls and having good hair and kissing hubby at the end of his hard work day and make him glad I'm a woman.  But, when I am weak, I am very weak.  No leaping, scaling, baking, winning, wearing, having, kissing goes on for weakness trumps willingness to pull it all together.

Yet, weakness also sets aside "me" for "Him".  When He's all I have, He's all I get.  And when He's all I get, I am no longer weak.  Body, mind, and brownie-making ability all gets sorted out and put into the right places under His strength.  My mouth gives proper credit to a Creator who performs on my behalf because body knows how weak it is.

Gideon (Judges 7) experienced the same thing.  32,000 soldiers had been prepped and waited to do battle against an army that compared itself to a vast hoard of locusts.  Yikes!  I'm thinking 32,000 didn't stand a chance.  And yet, God reduced that number of testosterone warriors to 10,000.  Why?  "If I let all of you fight the (enemy), the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength."

Get it?  In a culture that values hard-work, self-made people, can do attitudes, we did it our way philosophies, God says something else.  Let ME do all the work.  Let ME fight your battle.  Let ME be God and you be child.  Counter culture.  God's culture.

When God wins the battle, it's finished.  What six weeks of mental mind games and gut-wrenching heart-ache paired with uncontrolled panic and anxiety set out to do - destroy - God used for my good.  He destroyed things that I could have never fought against.  He transformed my mind, bypassed many a heart-ache, put panic and anxiety in it's proper place (under His feet) and brought me to a new place.  That's what He does.  God's culture.

But wait there's more ... Next time.
Christina

Recently, I had the privledge of speaking to a group of women at Vintage Church in Edmond, Oklahoma.  Because I was asked to speak, I sat alone to hear from God about what on earth He wanted me to say to them - to myself.  He replied simply:  "Tell them what I've been telling you."  So I did.

The result is an ongoing message I'm continuing to develop long after the girls night ended.  Because I pay attention to the things I've come to see as fingerprints from God, I got a new fingerprint.  It was in the form of a dream.  In my dream, I knew I was supposed to write.  This morning, fighting jet lag and drinking from my new favorite coffee mug, I'm following through with the impression to write.

Joshua 10: 16 - 19 recounts just one of many stories of victory.  Israel was promised a land of their own BUT there was a little hitch/catch/snafu - at least in their eyes.  It seems the land that was given to them as their own possession just happened to be occupied by homeowners who were not thrilled at having to list their homes/land/possessions on Craigslist.

God's economy is always counterculture.  He gave them (Israel) a land of their own.  Yet, circumstances didn't thwart (love that word) His promise just because other people's shoes where on the welcome mat and had no intentions of moving.  These turn of events may have taken the Israelites by surprise but it didn't shake God off His throne.

This makes me arrive at a principle:  There will always be an enemy.

For Israel, it happened to be occupiers of land that had been given to them.  For me, it's a bill, a doctor's diagnosis, a lie I believe.  Anything that tries to shake me off firm foundations in order for me to disbelieve who God is and what He is capable of is my enemy.

This makes me arrive at yet another principle:  We always operate from a position of victory.

For Israel, God have them a promise in Joshua 10:8 that the land was theirs and that He, Himself, would give them victory.  That's exactly what happened.  For Israel, their enemy was slaughtered/crushed/wiped out.  Joshua did what God told Him to do - he fought.  For me, most of my battles have been won of my knee's.  I hold on to a promise that God has given me in His word.  I listen to the Holy Spirit as he tells me what to do.  I do what He says.  God's desire is always victory over my enemy.

Finally, this makes me arrive at yet one more principle:  There is value in the battle.

Isreal could have walked to the borders of their paradise, waved some sort of magic wand, seen a mass exodus of people leaving wide, open spaces for them to come in, set up, and call "home".  Yet, they had to fight.  Because God is a God of order and infinite wisdom, He planned for them to fight.  Fighting brought a greater purpose.  Romans 8:28 tells me that He causes all things to work for my good:  cancer, bills, lies.  When the enemy is exposed and defeated, I then operate not only from victory but from AUTHORITY.  When God conquers my enemy, I then have AUTHORITY over something that had opposed me.

Anxiety was my biggest enemy for years.  Guess what?  I have AUTHORITY over it.  Not because it vanished by some arbitrary flick of a spiritual wand but because I held on to promises and fought against it because I knew God had put me in a position of victory.

Resist the enemy and he will flee from you.  It's in the Bible as a promise.  We resist, the enemy flees.   We make the mistake of thinking the enemy has the power.  The enemy is present, but doesn't have the power to overcome us.  He can scare the living day lights out of us, ruffle our feathers, and get us stressed but he has no power.  God does - and therefore, we do!

Stay tunned for more on enemies.  Face yours today with the truth that you are in a position of victory!

- Christina

Chris and I have been seeing a counselor.  It seems that our years spent as ex-pats and our unconventional life have beaten us up a little.  Any good paid road needs tolls paid, and we've paid ours.  Now, as we recover, we need to drive over to the side of the road, breath, and take in the scenery.

I take a deep breath as I type those words "counseling".  Unfortunately, our society still flings untrue adjectives toward subjects of those receiving counseling ... or as I like to refer to it ... couch time.  I, on the other hand, see this as two healthy people trying to deal with a bunch of unhealthy.

"Couch time" has shown me a major truth about myself.  Through the years Anxiety has taught me the value of being weak.  However, what I have not yet learned is the freedom of living without guilt!  When I feel weak, I still feel guilty about being weak.  Unwelcome but familiar thoughts plague my mind:

• If I really loved Jesus I wouldn't be feeling this way.  
• Why can't I just move on?  
• I am not the Mother/Wife I need to be.
• I should be doing more.

This comes as no shock to those who know me:  I take a pill for anxiety.  I have for years.  I've come out of the closet long before it was cool ... perhaps it still isn't cool.  Because of the pill, I've been able to sit across women, over cups of coffee and feel the pain as they express their shame, their sense of brokenness, their hurt over the concept of taking a pill and trying to balance their faith in a powerful, healing God.

Still reading the book one thousand gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right where You Are by Ann Voskamp.  I want to write the words of paragraph that I found to be ... nothing short of profound.

True, certainly, there are organic, biological causes to anxiety, and there may certainly be underlying chemical issues that warrant medication.  I have filled prescriptions.  This has been right.  All anxiety is not spiritual.  And yet I know and haltingly confess:  Much of the worry in my own life has been a failure to believe ... a wariness to thank and trust the love hand of God. (p. 148-149)

Go Ann.  Much of the worry in my life has been partly chemical ... but more worry that God is not good and can not be trusted.  If the bottom falls, the foot drops, the last straw laid ... will He be good?  I know with my intellect the answer.  My intellect says: yes.  My inner heart that has more power and is prone to anxiety says:  I don't know.

Knowing He is good ... has been good ... will always be good is a discipline of my heart, will, and the lassoing of anxiety.  "Jesus replied, 'This is the work (service) that God asks of you:  that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger]'" (John 6:29 AMP).

God has given me daily opportunities to make a choice.  Believe Him ... and His goodness ... in the middle of complicated ... OR ... not to.  When I don't ... when I choose the "not to" ... stress raises it's ugly head to the point another pill is popped for all the wrong reasons and my foundation is shaky.

I make my lists of gifts.  I'm on #102.  Being grateful.  That's what keeps this discipline of trust alive in my heart, real for me,  transforming.  I can't be grateful and stressed at the same time.

counting ...
me

For years, I have had a long standing relationship with Anxiety. The road has become a journey. The journey has become an adventure. The adventure has shaped me into the person who I am today. If my adventure was a book, there would be chapters about fear, chapters about learning to ignore the fear, chapters about coping with feelings, chapters about rest, chapters about taking medication, chapters about not taking medication, chapters about hearing or not hearing God in the middle of anxiety, but most of all.... there would be chapters about how I've learned to see God better, hear him clearer and see him more truthfully right smack dab in the middle of what I have now embraced as a friend, Anxiety.

For the most part, the ugly part of Anxiety is gone. As I age (I hate saying that), Anxiety is almost a fading memory of someone that I used to know. I will carry the lessons it taught me but will no longer carry the pain it desired for me.

So, recently I shared that I had some health stuff come up. Turns out, I started having more symptoms. Only this time, they weren't related to what we thought the root cause was ... weird.

To make a rather long story short, and to give a larger audience a clearer picture of what is going on with me ... I just found out this week that I have a "dangerously" low level (my doctor's words, not mine) of Serotonin. Normal is between 50 and 200. Mine is 7.

Serotonin does a lot of stuff for us. One of the things it does is control mood. So, my doctor was as surprised as I was to find out the culprit of my issues. I think it's safe to say that God has done a brilliant miracle!! I was/have not been exhibiting any signs of depression or anxiety. At this point, with a level of 7, most suffers of low Serotonin are in the fetal position and having a hard time functioning in life. To me ... this is just the best news since finding out I can watch Designing Women on YouTube!

Serotonin feeds neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters make the body function properly. I am not a medical professional nor do I play one on T.V. Everything I have found out has come from my doctor or Google. But, we've come to discover that my increasing symptoms of difficulty breathing, headaches, fatigue, rapid heart rate, fluctuating temperatures ... all a sign of my low Serotonin.

Left undiagnosed, patients can be diagnosed as suffers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia. The symptoms are/can be the same. Thank goodness I have a doctor who is thorough and checked out every little thing in my blood!

Now, I wait for high-power vitamins to kick-in. I try to rest when I am tired (which feels like most of the time). I try to reduce stress. Stress is the sucker of Serotonin. Anyone who has a real life and doesn't live in a bubble cannot live without stress. We'll see how that goes...

The biggest thing going through this? Feeling like my children are missing out because Mom is tired or sick all the time. Worrying about not meeting demands of a "job" that could negatively impact me.

Here's what I'm learning to do about my biggest worries ... let them go. I have beautiful, wonderful, caring children who will be fine! Because I buy cookies when I wanted to make them, order pizza ... twice ... OK, three times during the week because I am too tired to cook ... it's not gonna negatively impact them. What they are gonna see is a Momma who invites them to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie ... again. What they are gonna see is a Momma who is honest ... and is gonna tell them that I don't like the way I feel ... but know it's not always gonna be like this. What they are gonna see is a Momma who is gonna conserve energy and save it for doing stuff with them and not get stressed out about work goals that aren't being met ... or expectations that aren't being achieved.

I'm learning that God is pleased with me when I am obedient to Him. If that means letting my worries go and popping more popcorn because I don't have the energy, mentally or physically, to move ... then that's what I am supposed to do. I am tired of the thing inside my brain that tells me I am wasting time if I am not producing. It's overdue for that old thinking to go away.

So ... if you are a praying person and you are reading this ... pray that I will rest and that my Serotonin levels will increasingly rise.

Chris always asks me this ... "How is your heart? Are you at peace today?" My answer: "Yep!" My heart (physically and emotionally) is good ... and I am at peace!  Just like my old friend Anxiety ... I think Serotonin will teach me more of learning to see God better, hear him clearer and see him more truthfully right smack dab in the middle of what I am going through now .

I don’t have a tale to tell this week.

My anxiety episode was, to my great surprise, a short one. What I anticipated being a time of recuperating ended up being a really productive week.

This week, I was able to have lunch with an Austrian friend. Her biggest burden in life being the strain of being a full-time working Mom and feeling like a part-time effective Mom. I get that.

Last night, I spent an evening preparing 9 high school girls for the Prom. Partnering with precious Parker for hair and make-up for all (should I mention that 5 of them spent the night and we did a big breakfast for the sleeping beauties?) they left our house looking like the masterpieces they truly are!



After working her long fingers to the bone and using every ounce of creative energy she had in making the Prom girls fabulous, I took Parker to dinner. We ate at an Italian cafe and sat outside and talked. Afterwards, she took me to a new yogurt place … yummo! We found a great people-watching place and sat downtown watching all the tourists, trying to pick out their root of origin.

And, one of the things I’ve been doing a lot of in preparation for the closing of the school library for the summer is reading. I finally finished reading a very thought-provoking book called Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey. He takes a look at 13 people who have most influenced his spiritual journey. I won’t try to paraphrase what he says, instead let me insert a portion of his own words from the epilogue:

As I review the list in total, I see flawed, not perfect, people. Several of them a psychiatrist would probably diagnose as unstable. Each one had longings that went unfulfilled, dream that never entered reality. I learn from them how to handle my own longings. Soren Kierkegaard said, “With the help of the thorn in my foot, I spring higher than anyone with sound feet.” Some of the people profiled in this collection demonstrate that proverb as well.

One of the things that I may end up doing as my “summer project” is to head the suggestion of making a list of those people who have shaped my life for the better, and try to figure out why.

Ironically enough, I believe that at the top of my list will not be a person, but a thing … called Anxiety … that has shaped my life for the better. Funny, how at the first of this week, I stared into the all too familiar eyes of this thing I’ve lived with for so long, not desiring it’s company. However, its stay was short, too short to be anything less than a major miracle, an act of healing, and a supernatural intervention from a loving God who has authority over all things … even anxiety!

Let me introduce to you the most fabulous pen on the planet!

It's called the Pilot FriXion 0.5mm Erasable Pen. If I were a person of great wealth and little to no self-discipline, bent towards compulsion and excessive shopping, I would buy every Pilot FriXion 0.5 mm Erasable Pen I could get my unbalanced little hands on!

I first encountered this jewel while shopping for a new pen in which to use for journaling. I love pens. Not the way I love pizza, or coffee, or my Chris. My love for pens is on an entirely different plane, inexplicable, passionate. So, when I first spotted the Pilot FriXion (PF from this point on) I admired it from afar. It was a bit too pricey despite the smooth writing surface and attractive appearance. I've got to be honest. Since it was an erasable pen, I formed a judgment against it. My only experience with erasable pens has been negative. The ink is weak. It smears the surface of your writing space. I just don't like them. Judgment made.

My Chris and I recently took our B2 German tests. We needed a good pen for the extensive writing portion of the test. And, if I'm totally honest, I love buying a new pen for special occasions. This was just a better excuse for indulging my passion.

As I browsed about the pen aisle, I kept coming back to the PF, despite my rather harsh judgment against it being an erasable. In the end, my logic pushed me towards the purchase of the PF. I am so thankful my head ruled over my heart ... for it led me to the discovery of this amazing writing utensil. It writes smooth. The ink is stark. And, when you need to erase ... one rub of the built-in eraser allows for quick and easy correction, leaving no smudges and no trace of the poorly executed mistake. It's the best pen I've ever purchased. Judgment made.

Yesterday my old thorn "anxiety" came to visit. I have been on a long journey of discovery recently. I am convinced that sickness - all sickness - can be healed by God. I have been reading and studying the book of Acts in the Bible. I've recently read a very old classic by author Andrew Murray, Divine Healing, and this has all led me into a place of believing that my anxiety can be and will be healed by God. Judgment made.

Honestly, it would be easier to just continue to accept anxiety as a gift that keeps me humble and can be treated well by modern medicine. For years, people inside the church told me numerous times that if I would just trust God for my healing, it would come. I did trust God, but it didn't/hasn't come yet. Well meaning people told me that if I was a true Christian, I would not be experiencing anxiety. No comment. Still others told me that this could be result of sin in my life. Perhaps. I do not harbor any animosity towards these people. They are where they are in their journey ... and we are all just wanderers, aren't we? ... trying to figure out life and God and how to react to both. They've made their judgments ... and so have I ...

However, I feel that God wants to show me a deeper level of trust in Him. My relationship with anxiety has brought me fear. That fear drove me to a place of panic. The panic brought me to a place of surrender. The surrender brought me to a place of acceptance. The acceptance has brought me to a place of rest. Now, however, I am restless. I feel there is something more God wants to show me ... something deeper.

I have no answers. I only sense that the Spirit of God is directing me to look at new things through His word, the Bible. Jesus brought healing. Healing brought awareness of who He was. Awareness brought joy. I'm on a new path of discovery and when I reach the place He desires me to be ... I will be better for having made the journey!

I do not believe that the miracles Jesus performed on earth were for a set time in history. They were radical, bringing controversy and questions to the universe. He relied solely on the power of a healing God ... not a 10 step program for getting out of sin; not a step-by-step guide for learning to trust more; not a solid definition of a true Christian to be memorized. In fact, out of great love and compassion, he required only faith in the name of Jesus. That's it. Shazamm, healing!

I love how my Sunday school judgment of Jesus is constantly changing. My relationship with Jesus cannot be put on a felt board and described by a series of well-drawn settings. Jesus was real and dynamic and bold and "out there" as an alternate way of looking at the world. The religious traditions of men had reduced God to their view of who He was. Jesus came to restore order ... to show us truly who God is!

Now, before you begin thinking I've been chasing a rabbit and have forgotten all about my beloved PF, let me draw this all together.

Yesterday, while I was sobbing on my couch, asking God why the anxiety has not left ... not been healed ... and questioning the voices of the past "Am I not trusting you ... is there hidden sin in my heart ...“I look down at my PF. In the midst of my crisis, I see the word "remove". The cap was covering the rest of the sentence. As I tugged at the cap, revealing the rest of the phrase here is what I read...

remove by friction

OK, the PF was talking about the ink. It's erasable. When I want to remove the unwanted written words, all I have to do it apply friction, and my little built-in eraser will remove, by friction, that which I do no wish to see.

At that moment, the Spirit of God spoke to my upset and anxiety filled heart.

remove by friction

Whatever He is doing in my heart, friction will remove it. Friction comes when my ideals are not aligned with Gods. Friction can also come when I am choosing to listen to lies and not truth. It may take a bit of friction at first to get everything in order. Then, when it's aligned correctly ... shazam! Judgment made.

You may think I'm naive. You may patronize me with imaginary pats on the head. It's ok ... I'm used to that! However, whatever is going on ... it's taking me deeper and deeper toward seeing the heart of a holy God who is bigger and wilder and more than a picture on a felt board. It's a journey. One I am willing to take. Judgment made.

I am stuck in “the Nile” … the river, that is. I am so amazed at how my real life is currently so parallel to the stories I am reading in Exodus. I am floored by God’s constant communication with me right now.

If you ever set foot in a church during your childhood, you know the story of Moses and his constant request of the evil Pharaoh to “let his people go.” Pharaoh is a jerk and won’t let the enslaved Hebrews leave his country. Who else would make his Pyramids? So, every time Moses asks to leave and Pharaoh gives his imposing “no” for an answer, God has an answer for Pharaoh. God’s answer comes in the form of 10 plagues. They are not pretty, each one worse than the previous.

This week, as I camped out on these plagues (no, I’m not experiencing locust infestations, giant hail bombarding my Flat or blood instead of water coming out of my facets … you know I did say my real life is currently paralleling these stories!) … I began to see something. With a little help from my handy study Bible, I found out that the 10 plagues were representative of thing the Egytians and the Hebrews revered and worshiped. With each plague, God was communicating his power over what they had put on a pedastal, deeming all-powerful. I guess God showed them who is really all-powerful!

Think about that for a while. I did. This is what I came up with. There are always gonna be plagues in my life. Right now, as we continue to look for a new Flat, I can find a list of so-called plagues that are imposing themselves on my life. The bottom line is … God is bigger, more powerful, and Lord over all these pidly plagues that stand in front of my search!

What are your plagues? I’ve had the plague of anxiety. What did God do with it? He should me that despite my body betraying itself and chemicals playing havoc with my sense of reality … He is still my peace, my calm, my rock. He turned my plague into experiencing His presence in a mighty way.

I’ve had the plague of death. What did God do with it? When my mother died too young and I was left with guest ions, God showed me that there is peace in the midst of heartache and hope in what most perceive as hopeless. Grieving gave me the opportunity to be raw before God … and find out that when I’m raw He is most real.

I’ve had the plague of cancer. What did God do with it? When my brother-in-love, Rodney, was given no hope of survivng Leukemia, God gave me a promise to trust Him for healing. Despite doctors prognosis and medical reality saying all hope was gone, God did a modern-day miracle!
I’m tempted to say bring on the plagues … but I won’t! However, when the plagues of life come … I wanna look at them as God’s way of communicating something larger. It’s an interesting perspective … one that I think I’m gonna look in to.

However, right now I'm just gonna go look for frogs in my bathtub,
Christina

I don’t think I’ve given a proper update about the results of my detox. In a word: success!! The first week was hard, like so hard I thought I might cry if a morsel of sugar did not touch my lips, slide down my esophagus and land in my desperate belly. However, after the first week, shazam!

In fact, I have felt so good that I started the process of decreasing my anxiety meds! After several successful weeks with no bumps in the road, I knew I was on my way out of Rx freedom. However, this week verse 29 of the same anxiety song I’ve song for years began.

Just to sum up what has been, I want to include an excerpt from my dialogue with God. I do this like uncovering a precious antiquity before a crowd of bidders at Tiffany’s … but know the words will speak volumes. These words, written through the tremors of a familiar mental earthquake called anxiety, say more …

Father,
Today I am desperate for you.
I will not fear, for you’ve taken away the fear of the anxiety.
I will walk through this because of your unfailing love for me. You have not nor will you fail me.
When I cannot feel the path laid out before me – I will trust in you.
When my body betrays me – I will trust in you.
When I want to run from you, I will run all the faster toward you.
Take my hand …
Take my heart …
Take me …
And lead me …
And let your unfailing love do its work in my heart and mind and body today.
I love you.

That was on Monday, August 22. Today … Saturday … all is OK. I jumped back on the meds, took a little down time, cried a few tears on the shoulder of my Chris, and was quiet. The storm passed. Nothing changed … yet everything changed.

I tell you this … I write this… so you will not pity me. How can I be pitied for what I gain through each battle? How can I be pitied for being drawn to the renewed point of knowing Jesus is all I need? I’ll say it again and again – anxiety is a gift. It keeps me from being less dependent on me and ever dependant on God.

Two days after my heart cry … perhaps battle cry … I read the following: “For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him.”

During this week, my sweet Addison sent the following link to me. I didn’t listen to it until today. The words are true. Weak people need a strong God. It is not a sign of weakness to put your faith in a big God who has all the answers. Try to be all you need and you will come up short … and empty … and discouraged all the time. Turn it over … let it go … take a chance of the God who spoke unknown universes into creation yet knows the very numbers of hair on your head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifeJRC5lvhs&feature=youtu

Forever His ...
Christina

The highlight of our week was our weekend get-a-way to Wies, Austria. Wies is the tiny mountain village where our friends Johan and Romana reside. (If you’ll remember … Chris took a few days to visit them back in February.) It lies just outside Graz, Austria which is the hometown to California’s former Governor and Austria’s native son, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although Wies is a short 3 hours from our front doorstep, it feels like a million miles away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

Romana, which I lovingly refer to as the Austrian Martha Stewart, cooked us mouth watering meals while Johann served as Deutsch teacher, waiter, Libby entertainer, GPS and all around good guy. Most of our time was spent sitting around the kitchen table, drinking coffee and talking. How great and praise worthy it is to realize that 2 years ago we could spit out a few German vocabulary words as our only form of communication. This time, conversations were had … granted, grammatically incorrect and American accent full, but conversations none the less.

By the time we left, Libby had invited herself to stay for a week during the summer, Addison and Parker had played 203 games of Chinese checkers which Romana taught us, Chris was still wearing shorts despite the cool temperatures and rain, and I had taken enough pictures to fill many an album … which you can sample below!

Perhaps the best part of the whole experience was what God did with my long time companion – anxiety. As you know and hopefully never tire of hearing about, anxiety has played a part in my life for over 12 years. Waiting on vitamins to come in the mail, I did without a key component to my regiment to combat the symptoms of anxiety. Wednesday, however, the symptoms surfaced with a pretty strong showing. Not panicking as a way to cope, I once again went into full dependence on God mode. Too bad this isn’t a daily thing for me … this total desperation for God to be everything I need. Anyway, Thursday evening before our departure on Friday, God allowed my vitamins to come. Taking usually a good 24 – 36 hours before they “kick in”, Friday was hard. I cried into Chris’ strong shoulders, called a good friend to pray for me … and felt as if I was in a room where someone had turned the lights out. Left to my own devices, I desired staying in bed and drowning out the “yuck” with old episodes of Andy Griffith, retreating from the world. Knowing that wasn’t on the menu as we had been planning this trip for some time, God gave me the “umph” from 12 years of experience and just sheer will to push forward and put one foot in front of the other.

Right before departing for Wies, I cried out to God, literally, and He responded with this verse in Psalm 29:11 “The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.” Not feeling like I was “His” much less having any strength or peace, I decided to continue to believe His truth and not my feelings. His words are like bread … are like water … are everything you need.

Here, 2 days later, I SHOUT that my God is bigger and able to conquer anything in the world … or in yourself. Time and time again He has rescued me from that companion – anxiety. Time and time again He has shown me that I truly am my strongest when I feel I am my weakest. It’s His strength that makes my hinny get out of bed and not watch Andy Griffith and act and move and be what He has created me to be … despite what my feelings betray me into thinking.

Here’s to a God that uses what is meant for our demise … to make us STRONG! Wow … wow … wow! I love the power of God … I am HIS … and so are you. What is it you need to make you weak … for you to see His strength? He can be trusted. He can be depended on. Oh that I wouldn’t let a little thing like anxiety to make me totally and utterly dependent on Him but that I would choose to do it everyday!

Please Note: when viewing the below scrapbook, just push the forward button to advance the pics. Also, you can click on individual photo's to make them appear larger.

Photo album generated with Smilebox

Good news about my Dad. After many tests, pokes, and prods, he is fine. With some minor instructions about watching cholesterol and weight, he has recovered at home this past week and will begin work on Monday! I’m so thankful for the good report. I’m so thankful we are not journeying down another path.

Speaking of weight, I just have to say something about what happened this week. OK, for the sake of a good story, I will subject myself to humiliation. Be prepared for what lies ahead.

I am a simpleton. I do wear makeup (it would be too cruel a joke to play on the rest of humanity if I didn’t) but not anything extreme. I wear simple lip shimmer, my favorite being Burt’s Bee’s lip shimmer (Rhubarb) which, alas, I am out of and cannot purchase here (giant hint!). However, the other day I was feeling, in a word, ugly. The weather was gray which seemed to match my face. I felt I needed some color. So, taking a risk, I chose colored lip stick that my Mother-in-love Shirley gave me over the summer, and I might add, said looked beautiful on me.

Thus, the story develops. Libby was at a friends’ house. Too bad it wasn’t an Austrian friend’s house, for perhaps they would not have understood her English well enough to know the deep scars she unknowingly inflicted on my vanity. It had been a long day. However, wearing my colored lipstick and feeling “pretty” I ever so confidently walked into these fellow Americans' house to retreive my beloved youngest child. Libby, being the outspoken, quick-to-say-what-she-thinks kind of girl, proceeds to say, “Wow Mom! Where’d you get those lips?” I slinked out of their house and haven’t been back since.

If that wasn’t enough, this past week Libby let another precious word bomb drop on my vanity. Praise God it was just in front of the Elledge 5, but a bomb none-the-less. As many of you know, I have to take medication for anxiety. The meds keep me “normal” (no comments please) but have one little draw back – weight gain. I deal with it, don’t like it, but there you have it. One night at dinner while it was just us girls (Addison, Parker, Libby and myself) I felt like sharing my struggle and feelings about the weight as a way to try to show them beauty isn’t what the media pushes but what lies within. I told them I felt that God wanted me to exercise and even though I didn’t really want to, I wanted to be healthy and obedient to God. However, again, I wanted to communicate being “pretty” comes from within … from the heart. So, I made a comment that even though I was chubby, I wanted to be beautiful to God.

Several days later, as we were preparing for dinner. The girls were putting homework away, there was hustle and bustle and I flippantly told Chris I had exercised that day. Libby, out of the depths of her heart says to me … “Mom, it’s ok that you are chubby. We have all just gotten used to it.” Gulp. Gasp. Enough said.

So, what’s the point of this blog? True beauty and confidence comes from within … from a place God grows. I gotta go … apply more lipstick and exercise some more!