After almost 30 years of walking with God, I still need to be reminded that God can be trusted.  He is a patient teacher.

As I continue to read about characters in the Bible, I am reminded of their failures and success.  They serve as signs on a highway that mark the road I am now traveling.  Saul, good King gone bad, had a hard time trusting God.  This morning I read how he was told one thing, yet did another.  His doing the other thing seemed like a good idea.  He conquered an enemy yet instead of destroying everything like He was told by God, he kept the good stuff.  Now the good stuff was going to be used to honor God - or that was the plan.  But keeping the good stuff wasn't what God told him.  It was disobedience.  It was lack of trust.

When I read this story, I was reminded that I often don't believe that God will give me better things in place of good things I am letting go of with reluctant hands.  As I pack up good things that I've put in my house over the last nine years, I'm tempted to think that better things will not come as a replacement.  Yet, God has always been faithful.  December 2008, when I packed up 13 suitcases of good things I brought with me from my home in Norman, OK, He replaced them all with better things.  So why the struggle?  Why the back-and-forth of core beliefs that God won't come through or be true to His Word?

I let logic, practical thinking, and short-sighted humanness interfere with the supernatural.  It just flat out doesn't make sense this way of following God.  He's always faithful.  He is edgy and makes me uncomfortable with the things He asks me to do ... but when I surrender ... it's always better than good.  Always.

I have a young friend with an amazing musical gift.  This morning after contemplating this wonderfully unpredictable yet faithful God I'm still learning to trust, I heard this: Lillies  Her beautiful text resounds with my own spirit.

Trust requires my faith in a faithful God to trump logic, defy my own tendency to know what is best, and fight my need to hold on to what is good for fear better will not arrive.  Yes, I must steward well that in which He has given.  However, letting go is really an act of surrender.  And surrender in God's economy is opening myself up for the better things.

Being taught lessons,
Christina

 This was an imperfect Christmas - and I'm perfectly glad!  The guilt I felt for reducing our gifts under the tree to virtually nothing mounted as Christmas Eve neared and my youngest kept glancing in hopes of a late arrival to be discovered under the tree.  As I stuffed the handful of tiny gifts into each girls stocking in preparation for Christmas morning, I flip flopped on my minimalistic ideals.  Come Christmas morning when one bag with three large papers sticking out the top which represented three days of memories as gifts was the only semblance of holiday cheer awaiting our girls, I second-guessed my desire to do something different.

Chris and I had gone on mission days ahead of time preparing the Memory Gifts.  The night before, we assembled 3 large papers to be unwrapped.  The first day was a surprise trip to Salzburg where, in my humble opinion, it's always Christmas.  In order for them to discover what MEMORY #1 entailed they had to put together a puzzle.  We had taken poster-sized paper and written "Salzburg Road Trip:  complete with a rental car" in which we cut up into giant puzzle pieces that needed to be assembled to reveal the gift.  MEMORY #2 was a trip to a nearby border town in Hungary for a Spa Day!  In order for these girls to discover their gift they had to play "Snowman Hangman" on another giant sized paper.  Each girl had been scheduled a full-body massage and a pedicure.  Then, finally, MEMORY #3 was a treasure hunt.  Chris and I wrote a 10 line "riddle".  At the end of each line came a clue that sent our girlies on a hunt to find an envelope.  Each envelope contained money in which they got to spend during a Family Shopping Day.

During the morning, as the excitement began to build over each "reveal", confirmation came that this was exactly the "perfect" kind of experience I wanted to create for our family.  I could go on and on about the specifics of each day:  the coffee, the meals, the weather, the things purchased, the things seen but all would pale in comparison to the simple things that were given as hidden gifts among the intended gift.  The being together ... all together.  The singing of childhood songs during our road trip that flooded all of our minds with memories of long ago when road trips were common and songs learned then had now lodged deep into memory banks that had collected interest too numerous to be counted.  The slipping of one hand into another during the day just to say "I love you".  The expression of a whispered thank you by a daughter to a parent as we walked together.  The exchange of a tearful and grateful glance between my Chris and I as we witnessed the beautiful sounds of girls giggling.

Truly the key to this season was the decision that "perfect" is simply taking in the moment as it comes ... and not trying to push a plan, work an ideal, or force a pretension.  Take it in.  Take it as it comes.  Take it with all it's imperfection.  Take it ... just take it ... and be grateful.  It proved to be a perfect gift in all simplicity and imperfection.

This Christmas has set me on a course that will be a guiding directive for this New Year.  As I said before Christmas:

I'm letting go.  I'm trusting the God of the Universe to be the same "perfect" God that He was to virgin Mary to be the same "perfect" God for me.  He set events into motion that were "perfect".  He made the circumstances "perfect" by His presence.  When I choose to invite His presence into every detail of my holiday, every moment becomes put into perspective by a loving God who desires all things for my good, to prosper me - not harm me, to give me hope.  When I set aside my fear of what could, should, might be ... "perfect" peace rushes in. 

I am not a fortune teller.  I have no idea what this year brings.  In the mystery of what comes next, I will choose to remain in a place of rest and a place of peace.  Things will not be perfect.  Things will, however, be in perfect perspective when I choose to invite God into every detail of every day.

Happy New Year ... with new lessons,
Christina

I'm not gonna pretend yesterday ... move-in day ... was difficult.  But, what I've come to realize, difficult is just part of life.  A life lived apart from difficult is impossible ... unavoidable ... unimaginable.  Yet, in the midst of difficult ... whispers of peace are found.  That was yesterday.

I have too many raw emotions flowing in and out of my heart and head to put into words.  I am most struck by the thoughtful planning of the staff of OBU in how to help us parents release our children into their new adult world.  After a tearful speech by President David Whitlock followed by an authentic address by Dean Brandon Skaggs, I felt more than ready to release my bird into her own nest.

The day ended by a "Blessing" by Student Ministry director Odus Compton.  Parent surrounded their children and were given a moment to speak a word of blessing, pray, cry, hug, or just look at them as a way to close this moment.  It was powerful.

Words will follow.  Right now I can only find the energy to post pictures of our day:

Road signs marked the way

Upperclassmen surrounded our car with chants and welcomes, carried all her stuff to her dorm room, and whooped and hollar "Welcome Home"!

OBU Security let us know exactly where and when to go ... very Austrian!

The girl in her new room with all her stuff.

Parker, Addie and Libby ... all caught up in the frenzy that is "Welcome Week"!

Addie and her new roomie ... and just for the record ... a real sweetie!

The closing "Blessing".  Parents stood somber at the foot of the chapel ... silently loving on their baby birds until it was time to launch them.

Our beanie-clad OBU Freshman ... ready to fly!

I'm thinking that I just need to blog my journey ... the journey of a Mother's heart in letting go.  It may not always be pretty.  It may often be manic.  It will always be honest.

Yesterday messy"ness" prevailed.  I walked through Wal-mart (don't judge me; it's so cheap!) buying the last minute things that Addie left for me to pick up.  As I did, I smiled at things I knew she would like ... giggled at little things I picked up knowing she would roll her eyes thinking "this is so Mom" ... and cried over the reality of what I was doing.

Every time I was overcome, undone, done ... I saw the visual of being under the wing (see yesterday).  It brought me peace.  It kept my heart and feet moving forward.

This morning, I was wakened by the sound of the home phone.  I knew it was Addie.  It was.  (Insert giant, crazy, big smile!)  She communicated ... "Mom, I feel at home".  That's all it took.  Knowing where her heart is made mine settle.

As a creature of habit and intense need to know this Creator God of mine ... I flocked to the kitchen table (it rained last night.  My sanctuary is wet.)  I continued reading about Ruth.  At the end of her short story in written words it says ... she was given the ability to have a son ... who was the father of Jesse ... and the great grandfather of David.  I wept.  This widowed, homeless, foreigner ... after making tough decisions to press on in loyalty and love ... was redeemed.

On a real practical note, today my little phone call with my little grown-up girl ... was a heart redeemed.  Simple.  Yet ... a major a task considering the condition of the beating organ that broke within me yesterday.

I have no idea the emotions, manic or honesty that will come next.  What I know is that I am safe ... inside this cozy nest of wings surrounding me ... and whatever comes ... I know it will be redeemed!

Taking more steps,
a Momma

I'm a mess.  It's part hormones.  It's part old fashioned tired.  It's part living in the middle of a major life transition.  It's mostly ... all of it wrapped up in a messy package that is called my reality right now.

Chris took our Addie to college for an International Student Orientation.  I will see her tomorrow.  That didn't stop me from bawling like a baby as I stood in the driveway throwing imaginary kisses secretly hoping everyone of them would land in her heart.

I fixed myself a cup of perfect coffee (Austrian, of course) and took it and my melancholy mood to the table that sits in our backyard.  That table has come to be a place of sanctuary.  It's my place.  It's where I meet God.

I didn't want to really talk.  I just needed a word in my innermost heart that is hurting.  I turned to Ruth ... read the following ... and sobbed ... some more:

"May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you."

I closed my book.  I opened up that secret place and just released that flood of emotion that begged to be set free.

Addie is still going to college.  I'm still a mess.  I'm still hormonal, tired, and in the middle of a life transition.  But, today ... in my backyard ... at my table ... I heard from God who just happens to know me better than myself ... who loves me mess and all ... who sees tomorrow ... who's radical plan for my life is to trust Him in the middle of this messiness ... who begs for my heart ... who has remained with me in the past ... who will remain with me every step of my future.  I. heard. from. God.  I. am. under. His. wings.

Today.  That's all I need.  

I have a friend ... a dear friend that I have known longer than my Chris.  Beverly has seen me with mushroom hair, pregnant, overweight, underweight, in my pj's, with short hair, in college, out of college, working, unemployed, in style, out of style, with permed hair, grieving, celebrating.  She's been around awhile and she has seen it ... in some form or another ... in me.

This month, I've been writing letters to my daughter.  I'm giving her my hand-written words composed in a black journal.  My hopes are that in the years to come, this will serve as a handbook of sorts as she continues her journey into womanhood.

Today I was thinking about my oldest.  I sent her a text to encourage her.  Then I wondered how I would send her a text when she is in America and I am here.  Then, I got sad.  Then, I began to worry.  Then, I wanted to research the cheapest phone plans w/unlimited texts to America.  Now ... I write.

I am not the only parent ... the only Mamma ... who has walked in these uncomfortable shoes called transition.  I know there are others all over the world who have sent their babies off to other countries to make their way in the  world.  I know that hours have been spent by Mamma's looking through baby books and recalling all night feedings, first steps and words and wonder where the time has gone.  I know I am not the first ... but it's the first for me.

This morning as I was spending some time in front of my window ... in my comfy chair ... soaking in the light wind and the struggling sunlight through grey clouds ... I was reminded that this life I've chosen is to be lived by faith ... not by sight.

Interesting.  Living by faith for your babies is harder than to live by faith for yourself.  I want to provide.  I want to protect.  I want to hide my baby ... make things easy ... bless ... and make sure her hurts are quickly comforted.  Yet, now is the time for me to put my own faith to the test.  If I believe what I say I believe about this God of mine ... then I have to let go ... and trust Him ... to take care of this one who is the first to vacate Elledge territory.

I'm pretty sure all night feedings, first steps and words were way easier than this ... letting go.

For years, I have had a long standing relationship with Anxiety. The road has become a journey. The journey has become an adventure. The adventure has shaped me into the person who I am today. If my adventure was a book, there would be chapters about fear, chapters about learning to ignore the fear, chapters about coping with feelings, chapters about rest, chapters about taking medication, chapters about not taking medication, chapters about hearing or not hearing God in the middle of anxiety, but most of all.... there would be chapters about how I've learned to see God better, hear him clearer and see him more truthfully right smack dab in the middle of what I have now embraced as a friend, Anxiety.

For the most part, the ugly part of Anxiety is gone. As I age (I hate saying that), Anxiety is almost a fading memory of someone that I used to know. I will carry the lessons it taught me but will no longer carry the pain it desired for me.

So, recently I shared that I had some health stuff come up. Turns out, I started having more symptoms. Only this time, they weren't related to what we thought the root cause was ... weird.

To make a rather long story short, and to give a larger audience a clearer picture of what is going on with me ... I just found out this week that I have a "dangerously" low level (my doctor's words, not mine) of Serotonin. Normal is between 50 and 200. Mine is 7.

Serotonin does a lot of stuff for us. One of the things it does is control mood. So, my doctor was as surprised as I was to find out the culprit of my issues. I think it's safe to say that God has done a brilliant miracle!! I was/have not been exhibiting any signs of depression or anxiety. At this point, with a level of 7, most suffers of low Serotonin are in the fetal position and having a hard time functioning in life. To me ... this is just the best news since finding out I can watch Designing Women on YouTube!

Serotonin feeds neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters make the body function properly. I am not a medical professional nor do I play one on T.V. Everything I have found out has come from my doctor or Google. But, we've come to discover that my increasing symptoms of difficulty breathing, headaches, fatigue, rapid heart rate, fluctuating temperatures ... all a sign of my low Serotonin.

Left undiagnosed, patients can be diagnosed as suffers of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia. The symptoms are/can be the same. Thank goodness I have a doctor who is thorough and checked out every little thing in my blood!

Now, I wait for high-power vitamins to kick-in. I try to rest when I am tired (which feels like most of the time). I try to reduce stress. Stress is the sucker of Serotonin. Anyone who has a real life and doesn't live in a bubble cannot live without stress. We'll see how that goes...

The biggest thing going through this? Feeling like my children are missing out because Mom is tired or sick all the time. Worrying about not meeting demands of a "job" that could negatively impact me.

Here's what I'm learning to do about my biggest worries ... let them go. I have beautiful, wonderful, caring children who will be fine! Because I buy cookies when I wanted to make them, order pizza ... twice ... OK, three times during the week because I am too tired to cook ... it's not gonna negatively impact them. What they are gonna see is a Momma who invites them to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie ... again. What they are gonna see is a Momma who is honest ... and is gonna tell them that I don't like the way I feel ... but know it's not always gonna be like this. What they are gonna see is a Momma who is gonna conserve energy and save it for doing stuff with them and not get stressed out about work goals that aren't being met ... or expectations that aren't being achieved.

I'm learning that God is pleased with me when I am obedient to Him. If that means letting my worries go and popping more popcorn because I don't have the energy, mentally or physically, to move ... then that's what I am supposed to do. I am tired of the thing inside my brain that tells me I am wasting time if I am not producing. It's overdue for that old thinking to go away.

So ... if you are a praying person and you are reading this ... pray that I will rest and that my Serotonin levels will increasingly rise.

Chris always asks me this ... "How is your heart? Are you at peace today?" My answer: "Yep!" My heart (physically and emotionally) is good ... and I am at peace!  Just like my old friend Anxiety ... I think Serotonin will teach me more of learning to see God better, hear him clearer and see him more truthfully right smack dab in the middle of what I am going through now .