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Write Words

Because I believe in a foundational truth that words have power, I pay attention to words.  This morning while I was reading Psalm 115 the word trust jumped out.  Usually, when the word trust is set into a sentence, there is an implied recipient.  Trust will often then be followed by the word in.  In is then proceeded by a direct object.

Let's take a look at the following sentence.:
 (You) Trust in God.

Keeping it simple, the implied recipient is You.   The direct object here is God.  Now let's reframe the sentence.  You, trust in God.  Simple.  We've just completed English 101.

Yet, people of God, we are missing the mark.  I'm not being hateful just observant.  We've come to see the word trust as an elusive, self-sustained, Noun that catapults us toward super believe, hyper-faith and out-of-this-world experiences we feel we can not achieve.  However, trust is not always a Noun.  It can also be a verb.  As a verb, trust is defined by synonyms like bank on, count on, rely on, be sure of.  As a verb, the direct object is always a Noun.  So if I say I trust in a chair to hold me, I will sit in the chair.  I won't stand around and not utilize the chair for fear it will not hold me.  I don't take time to analyze if the chair is strong enough, can be depended upon, or will hold me up this time even though it's held me up plenty of other times in the past.  I put my trust into action.  I trust without a second thought.  I trust and sit my po-po in the chair.

Point:  I will either trust God or I won't.  I will hand all my concerns, fears, wrong-believes, and expected outcomes limited by my imagination to God in a given situation or I won't.  Trust must be an active verb in a faithful Direct Object.

I am trusting God for a house.  So what does that look like?  How am I activating my trust?

I pray.  I pray back the promises God has given us for a place called Fahrenheit House.  It's not a wishful whisp of a hoped-for place but a knowing that God has given us a vision for such a place to accomplish a plan way bigger than ourselves.

I cancel fear with God's truth. Emotion gets in the way of activating my trust.  I get discouraged when I look at the reality of the price of the house against the reality of the balance of my bank account.  I get overwhelmed thinking about details of obtaining the house.  Emotions lead me down paths that go against God's truth.  God's truth says His plan is to prosper me, not harm me, to give me hope and a future. God's truth says that His people flourish.  My emotions have to be kept in check under the authority of God's truth.

I surround myself with others who have affirmed God's promise and vision.  I allow them to speak life to me.  I invite them to come alongside me.  I get others actively involved in what God is doing so they can be encouraged, challenged, and hear from God along with me.

If we are going to see God change the communities in which we live we must have active trust.  We must actively trust God for those things He has spoken to us about in the quiet places.  Usually, that for which we are trusting involves a vision for a desired end that will result in good both now and for eternity.  Others are counting on our active trust.

How might your corner of the world ... my corner of the world ... be affected by active trust in a powerful God?

Makes you wonder,
Christina




Fickle creature that I am can one day doubt the goodness of a good Creator/Father while the next become a warrior princess belting a victory cry over any and all things that dare take away my courage.  It's in princess warrior mode I make declarations that bolster weak faith and strengthen tired resolve to take the next step.

God surrounds us with demonstrations of His love:  music, a soft kiss on the forehead from a daughter, a social media post, a whispered prayer, an old note found between torn pages of a well-worn book, a private message from a dear friend.  These tangible ways shout out the quiet care of a strong Father.  He uses them - all of them - to inject our spirits with His truth.

David. Goliath.  One a shepherd boy with a stone and a sling and a strong belief in the commander of Heaven's Armies.  One a braggadocious giant with an attitude and way too much confidence in his physical prowess as a man of war.  No one supported David responding to the catcalls of this taunting warrior, Goliath.  Common sense ruled:  too small, too inexperienced, too dangerous an undertaking.  So why did David attack this enemy of the state of Isreal?  A momentary lapse of his senses?  Too much red bull?

Belief.  His belief in who God is and not who he was gave him all he needed to face his giant.  

Lesson noted.  What I believe about God when boxes are being packed, hard goodbyes are being whispered, and life being closed on one chapter dictates the victory in which I will attack my giants.  As a child of God, I am privy to the strength, wisdom, self-control, and faith that has been deposited in me through His Holy Spirit to push through the reality of facts and propel me into the victory of living abundantly right smack dab in the middle of life.

My giants come in the form of needs:  a house, cars, stuff.  The reality of my bank account, my ability to earn money, or my projected future income cannot be the thing that determines the giants I slay.  I can not listen to the voices around me, the doubting voices within me, or the voices of common sense to determine my outcome.  I've walked way too many years, holding the hand of my God, to see His work.  Never, ever, has He been predictable.  The only predictability in His character is his faithfulness.

Today, this princess warrior, shouts a victory battle cry.  I will depend on the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills to do exceedingly more than I can think or ask.

David had a slingshot.
I have an imaginary crown.
Christina

Recently, a dear and long-time friend sent me an email.  Throughout the year, a "tell me what's going on in a nutshell" request comes from her.  I sum up the months I've lived in a few paragraphs and she reads between the lines.  She does the same with me.  She's been through a hard time - a shocking scandal erupted in her community that demands her attention.  She is soul-tired.

And because life is often tragic, another friend is in a battle.  Politically motivated decisions by leaders who should know better are trying to oust him from his position.  In the past, he received nothing but praise and accolades from the very ones who are trying to defame his character and ruin a stellar reputation.  He is soul-tired.

A young cousin has undergone a major life transformation.  Both hands and feet had to be amputated.  Let the gravity of that sink in just a moment.  Her young life looks very different now and she has battles to fight and hills to climb that most of us could only imagine.  Without a doubt, she ... and all those around her ... are soul-tired.

We operate a nonprofit.  We never intended on being fundraisers, business owners, supervisors, trainers, legal experts, and problem-solvers.  We simply knew that what we were called and gifted to do meant doing it outside any box that had been created.  We exist on the financial support of donors.  This week, a donor had to pull their funds.  This has come during a time when funding is down for the first time since our three year existence.  Thinking about the repercussions of potential outcomes I fabricated in my mind, I began to get soul-tired.

What do you do with soul-tiredness?

We are equal parts Spirit, Soul, and Body.  What I find most often is that when the Soul is tired, it affects the Body and potentially the Spirit.  When our Body, our physical being, gets tired, a good nights sleep, a good meal, or a good laugh can cure most ills.  However, when the Soul is tired, it often takes time to bounce back.

Mind, will, and emotions need time and attention.  When I'm soul-tired, my mind wanders.  Usually, it wanders away from TRUTH and toward fear.  When I'm soul-tired, my will gets weak.  Getting up early gets pushed aside for one more hit of the snooze button on the alarm that pushes me to the brink of disaster and upsets an already tight schedule. When I'm soul-tired emotions are minefields that must be trodden upon lightly.  A simple statement can be received as criticism and a casual answer gets translated as an apathetic declaration.

What do you do with soul-tiredness?

It sounds simple.  It may even sound offensive.  Soul-tiredness requires attention from the maker and keeper of your soul.  We know God as Father, as Creator, as King, as Judge.  When we are soul-tired, we've got to cultivate our relationship with him as Shepherd.

The Bible refers to God as the Good Shepherd*.  So good that Jesus sacrificed his very life for the good of His sheep (that's you and me).  He says that He came to give us life.  He also tells us that there is another power at work in the world.  This power is a thief.  He comes to kill, steal and destroy.  When we listen to his power and the works of his hands, most likely, we get soul-tired.

The scandal that is wreaking havoc on my friends' community and her heartstrings has been used by this thief to steal my friends' joy, to kill her hopes of recovery and destroy the good things that the one at the center of the scandal had previously done.

The job harassment that is creating uproar and uncertainty for my friend and his family has been used by this thief to steal his vision for the future, to kill his reputation and destroy an establishment that has been founded on a rock-solid foundation.

The loss of physical hands and feet of our cousin has been used by this thief to steal her hope of being normal, to kill her self-esteem and destroy a family.

The dropping of a donor has been used by this thief to steal my trust in a providing God, to kill my desire of developing further the visions we have for our nonprofit and destroy my confidence in my calling.

Soul-tiredness requires time alone with the One who knows you.  Allow yourself to be tired without guilt.  Allow yourself to identify the source of your tiredness.  Allow yourself to vent about those who may have been the cause of your tiredness.  And then ... stand firm in the knowledge that the One who created you - see's you.  He sees your soul and the tiredness that invades it.  He also sees the promise that you stand on:  to never leave you and to never abandon you.  He knows that a good shepherd endures the weather and beasts and the long night because His commitment to his sheep far exceeds any temporary hardship the thief may try to convince you is lasting.  He is always with you.  He will renew your mind.  He will refresh your will.  He will refuel your emotions.  Ask.  He's right there with you.

As for myself, I spent time with my Shepherd friend.  He listened.  He reminded me of His love for me.  He also reminded me that His Father is my provider, not any other source.  And He did this all in the quiet of my room, in my favorite chair, overlooking the fall leaves from an urban apartment.  He's with me.  And He's with you.

Overcoming my soul-tiredness,
Christina



* John 10:10-11






I'm a total nerd when it comes to my viewing preferences.  Give me a rainy day, a cup of coffee, and unlimited time to chill in front of my computer and I will watch one of the following:  a Jane Austin film, a food/travel show, or a documentary ... on just about anything.

Lately, having spent a day and a half in bed with some sort of something ... I watched numerous nature documentaries.  On this most recent binge-watch, I learned about the illusive 6 to 7 cm tube-lipped nectar bat.  The TLNB is the only animal that pollinates the rare plant, Centropogon, blooming for only 6 days within a year.   The tube-lipped nectar bat has a tongue %150 the size of his body which enables him to reach the interior of this rare plant leaving him the only being on the planet able to reach this precious nectar.  Rarer still is that by reaching his long tongue into the cavity of this plant, he rubs his head on the surface of the stem which contains the pollen.  This is the only vehicle by which this plants' pollen is spread.  Impressive.  (If you want to know more, check out "Untamed Americas" on Netflix, "Mountain" episode.)

Then I read my Bible.  I read the words of the Psalmist who says in Psalm 18 that enemies surround him on all sides, the ropes of death engulf his body, and the grave lays a trap for him.  And yet, within the same breath, he proclaims the character of this God he's come to know as his ...

  • Strength
  • Rock
  • Fortress
  • Savior
  • Protection
  • Shield
  • Power that Saves
  • Place of Safety


Now, stranger still, perhaps stranger than my little tube-lipped nectar bat, is what happens next.
"The Lord shrouded Himself in darkness, veiling His approach with dark rain clouds.  Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him."

This is weird.  This leaves me scratching my head.  The very nature of God is light.  In fact in Him there is no darkness at all.  And yet, here, he uses darkness as a predator uses darkness waiting to ambush unsuspecting prey.

So what happens when what you read doesn't make sense with what you know?  You wait it out.  You ask the Holy Spirit who is TRUTH to explain some stuff to your head that you obviously don't know.

When I look back on the "dark" times in my life, they are pretty dark:

  • anxiety so bad I could not leave my home
  • such abuse of authority it affected my health
  • hurting over the loss of losing a baby in the womb
  • grieving long-distance over the loss of a loved one
  • feeling "done" with a job ... with a place ... with life

In the middle of the darkness, it was ... dark.  I cried out to God.  Like the Psalmist, I felt the enemies surround me, the ropes of death engulf my body, and the grave laying a trap for me.  I'm telling you, these were dark times.  I cried out ... begging God to lift the darkness for fear I would not make it to the other side.

Most of the time, I knew there was an "other side" and knew that God, true to His character, would pull me through.  However, there were doubts.  There were times when I felt sure God had abandoned me - despite His word saying He never would.  There were times when I felt I had absolutely no strength - despite His word saying He was my strength.  How long, God, is this going to last?  

Have you been there?
Do you know of the darkness of which I speak?

As I wait for TRUTH to make sense, I discover why God clouded Himself in darkness:  He's a Master predator.  The contrast between the darkest darkness being defeated by the Master of light is more than noteworthy - it's a down right miracle! 

  • When the healing comes for anxiety
  • When the abuse is stopped and health is restored
  • When the hurting over the loss of a baby is soothed by love
  • When the grieving is replaced with peace
  • When the feeling of "done" is sustained and given new birth

Then ... then you know the One who came in darkness snuck up and defeated that which kept you in darkness.  He was not absent.  He was not unconcerned about you or the circumstances.  He was not too busy.  He was not unwilling to act on your behalf.  He was waiting.  He was present all the time.  He clothed Himself in darkness so He could enter the darkness with you.  His disguise may have eluded you ... but He was there.

How is it possible to remain hopeful, in healing, in health, in love, in peace during the dark times?  You must remember God's character and His Word.  In the middle of the dark, it is the hardest to declare God's character and stand on His Word.  Focusing on the darkness leads to more darkness.  Focusing on the darkness, in light of the truth of what you know about the One who shatters the darkness, leads to victory.  This is the fight of faith.  Faith fights to declare what is not in the middle the dark.  Faith fights to bring light into the dark ... and has the eyes to see the One who stands beside you in the middle of it.

The One who fashioned a rare plant on top of the Patagonia Mountains, allowing it to blossom only 6 days in a year also created a bat, a tube-lipped nectar bat, who because of its tongue, %150 times its body size, is the only creation able to reach its coveted nectar and allow it to continue it's lifecycle.  He is the One who's very character is to care and provide for that which He created.  And, His Word says that if He cares for something as small as the rare plant and 6 cm bat ... how much MORE does He and will He care for you.

That will get you through a dark night.  That will fuel faith.

He's always in the dark,
Christina

Yesterday I read a well-written and reflective blog by a friend who is facing a Season.  I've met with so many women this past year with the same issue of entering into or coming out of a Season.  They - Seasons - are inevitable.  You can try to hide, deny, ignore, run away from it's impending presence but facts and truth collide in the shape of a Season.

If you live in Oklahoma, perhaps a weather illustration is not a good one since Winter resembles very little of itself and puts on the alluded guises of Spring and Summer.  But ... for the rest of us ... Seasons make sense.    I know that when September arrives in my beloved Vienna, it's going to be the optimal time of year affectionately known as Altes Damen Wetter (Old Ladies Weather):  cool in the morning and evenings but warm in the day.  Perfect.  Upon the ending of September I brace myself for the fleeting Autumn and know that my down coat needs to be put in the batters box because soon and very soon Winter will make his debut ... and stay ... usually for a long, long time.    But come April"ish" ... I get itching to pull out lighter jeans and dispose of the fleece uniforms I've been wearing for months.  July and August I suck it up and deal with the warmth inside my apartment that has no AC because I know ... this is for a Season.  September is coming.

Seasons change that which was our reality.  Seasons take time to mourn.  Seasons should cause us to reflect.  Seasons come and go ... and come and go ... until we meet Jesus.

I find myself in a Season that I really don't know how to define in terms that are either comprehensible or proper for a good girl like to me to put in black and white.  I know the title of this Season:  Menopause.  Other brave women who I now respect more than most Rock Stars, Brain Surgeons or Barista's in any coffee shop worth it's grinds encourage me that this Season will end ... and I will survive.  I have my doubts.  But I trust their words.

As a young Mom, I was so insecure.  I was afraid most of the time.  I was so afraid that what I did wouldn't count.  I was afraid I'd get something so wrong in the raising of my beautiful offspring that they'd never recover.  I was afraid that they would "pick up" on things that I did, said, believed - oh yes believed - and have the same struggles I did.  Fear was a constant companion.  I loved God.  I learned His Word.  I tried my darndest to "get it right".  I rarely shook the Fear.  Until ...

Until that day when God used Anxiety to break the Fear Season and show me a Healing Season.  The good news is that the Healing Season still continues!  If you know Jesus and read God's Word which is alive and powerful and full of good stuff and relevant and flat out inspires and thoughtful and challenging and seeps into all the soft spots in your heart - but more importantly into the hard spots that crave attention and then the Word speaks ... with loud speakers ... then... THEN you will always have a Healing Season.  Always.

As a not-so-young Mom, I'm not insecure.  I'm not afraid - most of the time.  I am not afraid that I what I did didn't count.  I'm not afraid that what I got wrong they won't recover from.  I'm not afraid that they picked up on anything I did, said, or believed and suffer from my same struggles.  Fear is no longer a constant companion.  I love God.  I am learning His Word.  I'm not trying any more to get it right.  I have shaken Fear.

Sound arrogant? It would if I were speaking from the vantage point of being my own Healer.  But I'm not!  I can confidently say these things because the Spirit of God's Wisdom has opened my eyes - through many Seasons - to show me that when I make Seasons self-focused I will always fear.

Let me illustrate by using this current Season of my life:  Menopause.  Self-focus navigation tells me that I must find the right doctor to give me the right meds, hormone replacement therapy, food lists, creams, Valium to make it through.   Self-focus navigation urges me and often shames me into gathering all the information I can to be well-informed.  Missing vital information could harm me.  Self-focus navigation keeps everything in this Season all about what I can do, should do, should not do, could do, must do until I'm just flat worn out.  It's not enough to carry the weight (literally) of this Season but I must also carry the burden of the exit of the Season.

It's stupid. It's stupid to ask Winter to be responsible for bringing in Spring.  It's stupid to rely on ourselves to navigate our own Seasons.

We look to God, who is wise and who's thoughts are way higher than ours and we breath and we calm down and we put down our banner that says "Me" on it ... and we sit.  We sit because we are tired.  We sit because it's in our weakness that God, who is strong, speaks to us in soft tones because we've become overwhelmed.  It's in those soft tones we feel empowered.  And then when we hear enough in the soft tones, we get up and we do what He told us to do and we navigate from a new place that takes "Me" of the top of the organizational flow chart and puts "God" in my place.

If He tells me to go to a doctor, I go.  If He tells me to gather information, then I gather.  But I don't do anything other than what He tells me.  If I hear nothing, I don't sit in shame and guilt.  There is no place for shame in guilt in the lap of my Father.  Hearing nothing may mean I need to just sit awhile.  I sit until I hear and then I go and do ... and do with more confidence that this is a Season who has an Author and it's author is not me.

Walking in a Season,
Christina

This blog was born out of a few resources you mind find helpful:
The well-written blog by my friend
Dr. Henry Cloud on Seasons






Today dear friends of ours are dealing with a brain tumor.  Diagnosed last week, today is operation day.  Heavy.  He's young.  He has four little babies.  Those babies don't know that Mommy and Daddy are hurting because our friends love Jesus - and they trust Him.  And yet, it's heavy.

This afternoon as I deal with my own set of setbacks, I'm trying to hear God and hear TRUTH.  As I read the Bible, I discover that healing - even of brain tumors - is God's will.  Healing - just as forgiveness of sins - was bought and paid for by Jesus Christ on the cross.

You see I don't have a problem putting my faith in the fact that God can heal.  I sometimes have a belief problem - wondering if this time God will heal.  It's not a God issue - it's a ME issue.  I'm working through allowing the Holy Spirit to delete the spam in my brain that has been wrong teaching and embrace the TRUTH of who God is and how he operates.

So as I sit with my coffee this afternoon, really too tired physically to pray and dig and examine who God is, I am reminded by one simple action.  I opened my Bible and it flipped open to a place I had made a note at some point in my past.  Here's what it read:
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.  I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.  I will rescue and honor them.  I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation."  Psalm 91: 14 - 16
God could have chosen any number of things to show me.  And yet, He allowed me to see this - today - as I pray for healing and a long life for my young friend.  He affirmed in five sentences that HE will do what He says.  That salvation means a secured eternity and all that implies, including saving us from sins and saving us from sickness (Matthew 9:29, Matthew 9:22, Psalm 103:1, 1 Peter 2:24, Isaiah 53:3-5).

Point of this story, I am exercising faith and belief on behalf of my young friend in a God who heals.  It's scary business.  It's heavy.  And yet - without faith - it's impossible to please God.  I want to be a God pleaser.  So I assert my faith.

More coffee and more open Bible time,
Christina




The thing about enemies is that they catch us off guard, even if we've come to know they lurk around the corner.  We know there are always enemies.  We've seen our share of them, haven't we?  Yet, when they appear, we freak.  Ok, lest I put words into your mouth, speak for you, and label you as an enemy fearer, I freak.

And when I read in Judges about our friends, the Israelites, I realize I'm in good company.  Despite having seen God do amazing and miraculous things, they freaked when the enemy raised his ugly head.  Human nature.

Yet, my human nature has been replaced and is being replaced with a super-human nature.  I am in Christ.  Therefore, I have the mind of Christ.  And therefore, I have the Spirit of Christ dwelling in me.  Yet, silly me, my "humanness" often gets in the way.

You see Israel had forgotten God.  They had forgotten that enemies were allowed in their lives - by God - to test obedience and belief toward God.  They were stuck in a rut of disobedience and disbelief.  They had gotten themselves into a pattern of doing exactly what God told them not to do (follow other gods) and then - just when you thought all hope was gone - they cried out to God.  They asked for directions.

Sometimes, they waited a really long time to cry out - like 80 years long.  But, when they cried out to Him, He answered.  Always.  He answered.

Principle:  When I freak, cry out.

Simple.  Yet profoundly difficult.  My natural tendency is to solve the problem, get help on my own, get help from others, do the next best thing, Google, stress - in general FREAK OUT!  And then this is where the rubber meets the road if you are a Believer.  We are not slaves to our natural tendencies.  We are lifted to a supernatural newness that calls us out of the rut, past the freak out, and on to a place of total dependence on the power of the Holy Spirit.

Yesterday, I walked.  As I walked around the Augarten (a park near my apartment), I felt really good.  Despite my yoga pants and tight fitting sleeveless shirt, I knew I was doing something healthy for my body.  I started off just walking and talking (not to myself but to God).  The more I talked, the better I felt.  Then, my mind drifted.  I began to chase fears.

"What if all this walking doesn't produce weight loss?"
"What if I can't continue walking when bad weather comes?"
"What if I don't walk every day?"
"What if I hurt my ankle and can't walk?"

Do you see the humanness of my humanity?  Not because I'm a superhero but because I've learned to become a warrior, I stopped the madness in my mind.  I began reminding myself of what God says about me.  I cried out, asking God to fill me, my mind and my Spirit with His truth.  And He answered.  Every time.  He answers.

When we freak, cry out.  Develop the habit.  He will not fail.

Soon to be ex-Freak "outer",
Christina
Not far from my front door looms this creative building.  My family and I affectionately call it "The Willy Wonka Factory" because we are - goofy.  However, it is formally called the Spittelau Waste Incineration Plant.  It's our cities way of sprucing up our waste behind ... art.  In fact, famous architect Friedensreich Hundertwasser created this colorful structure.  To read more, click on this:  More About Our Beautiful Waste Treatment Plant 

When it's all said and done, it's a facade.  The plant, beautiful and oddly artistic, is nothing more than a canvas in which to hide a waste, recycling and disposal system behind.

Today as I walked toward my Willy Wonka Factory, I was struck by this thought:  Aren't we all a little like my factory?  Let me expound a little, after all, it's my blog.  That's what I do.  

Looking good on the outside, falling apart on the inside?  OK, maybe not falling apart, but certainly not doing as good as the outer appearance or Facebook photos would suggest!  Authenticity is often seen as weakness.  No one wants to be a Debbie Downer - not even Debbie.  We pull it all together, we tie it all up nicely and parade it all around social media that our lives matter, have no worries, and look good in a 2 x 2 profile picture!

Let me just say, that as people who say we trust Jesus to be the captain of our lives, we do this the best ... Sunday best in fact!  But if I'm honest, I can't begin to tell you the times I walked into a church service feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and in my heart only to grab the mask I kept hidden in a glove compartment ready to put on in a moments notice.  All is well.  I love Jesus. Life is good.

Here's the kicker.  Real people will feel a little like my Willy Wonka Factory.  There may be some waste that's going through the pipes.  For me, I'm dealing with an issue that I just don't know what to do with (and it's not anxiety.  Been there - done that!).  It's deeply personal.  It's lasted a really long time - years, in fact.  I'm kinda at the end of asking God to do something about it because frankly, I haven't seen Him answer my prayers.  I'm a little hurt.  I'm a little confused.  But - I choose to hold on and wait on Him and in Him.  The Holy Spirit strengthens me with all the hubris I need.  God's Word challenges me to trust His heart.  I don't like how this feels but time and track records have proven that God - alone - will answer.

I'm honest about the factory feeling.  But I'm not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes - especially my own.  Loving Jesus and trusting God means that in the middle of the Willy Wonka Factory days, we have what we need to make a beautiful work of art right smack dab in the middle of the waste.  That's what He does - out of ashes comes beauty; out of death comes life; out of the ugly comes the radiant.  I know that the factory is not my home.  He didn't call me to live behind a facade, but to live in a place of strength to strength.  The Willy Wonka Factory is not my home - it's a feeling.  If I choose to embrace the feeling as truth, the factory becomes my home.  But, as for me, I'm choosing to hold on for the better place.  The place where He knows my heart better than I do.  It's not a place with an address.  It's tucked inside.  It's that place where peace dwells.  Even though I can spy the artwork on the facade or hear the grind of the factory wheels, I'm OK.  I know in whom I have placed my trust.

Creating Art,
Christina


 This week, I had Parker snap this "selfy" as we all headed out for the morning.  As I took a look at the photo on my new fancy phone, I was struck by what my friend Dawn calls "the new normal":  there are only four in the picture.

Yesterday afternoon, as planned and carried out by my "attention to detail" daughter, Chris and I had a lovely Skype call with Addison.  As I looked at this sweet face on my computer screen, thousands of miles away ... "the new normal" became a reality.

It was so ... can I just add a million, two hundred, and eighty six "o's" behind that "s" ... so good to catch up. Chris and I spent most of our time listening as our chatty girl bubbled on and on about her life.  I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  Behind that smile, however, I hid the longing to reach out and touch and hug and kiss the face of my precious first-born.  Everything in me longed to hold her ... a Mamma's innermost longing to be physically near her offspring.

Joshua and I have become good friends over the last few weeks.  (I'm referring to Joshua in the Bible.)  The past couple of days, the Holy Spirit has shown me a truth that I haven't picked up on before.  God promised Moses, Joshua's  successor, a land of his own ... a land for the people of Israel.  Moses instructed Joshua on the details of that plan.  Joshua was careful to obey the instructions.  What's interesting ... both Moses and Joshua acted on only words spoken by God.  There was a promise of land ... yet the land was not yet theirs.  They had to conquer it first.

Obedience has consequences.  Words that have been spoken by God (through His Spirit to yours, through other people, through the Bible) acted upon in faith bring great rewards.  At present, we find ourselves the recipients of great rewards. I don't have enough white space to fill up with black letters!  God has spoken to us a promise ... given us a vision.  We've acted upon it - believing it to already be true!  Scary ... at times.  Yet there is such a peace ... a rightness about walking in this promise that can't be explained.  I wouldn't trade it for all the coffee in Italy (because they have the best coffee ... and now I'm rethinking my claim!  Yet ... I digress ... ).

In the middle of obedience, comes the reality.  Reality:  our obedience has taken us miles and miles away from one we love.  There are no regrets.  There are longings to see, touch, smooch the face of and hold in my arms that one I love so dearly.  But last night as I woke up thinking about that girl, I was at great peace.  I know that God is working in me ... and in her ... knitting us together like a most beautiful tapestry.  I don't need miles to keep me close.  I have a spirit that is anchored to the Holy Spirit.  He keeps us both rooted in Him and in love with each other.  Miles ... they are many.  But in my heart ... those miles mean nothing.

Obedience has consequences.  I am enjoying the consequences of walking in faith ... trusting words spoken and taking them as reality.  It's a wild and wonderful place.

living on words,
christina
Let your favor shine on your servant.  How great is your goodness you have stored up for those who fear you.  You lavish it on those who come to your for protection - blessing them before a watching world.

These words settled like drops of rain on a desert in my heart this morning.  They are verses 16 and 19 of Psalm 31.  So, before a "watching world" ... or in my case ... a reading blogging community ... I shout in dramatic tones and CAPITAL letters that GOD is doing a new thing - a new, beautiful thing - in my heart!

For far toooooooooooooooooo (yes, I know that's a lot of "o"s but I'm trying to communicate a point here!) long I have not believed everything in scripture!  Gasp!  I, one who has given my heart and trusted my future - my eternity - to God find it hard to believe the goodness He has for me on planet earth.  My childhood, my good ol' fashioned denominational upbringing, my own baggage has led me to believe that somehow the promise of heaven is good enough.  I know where my soul will rest when my body breathes the last of oxygen here on this planet.  But, I still find myself lacking, wanting ... more!

The "MORE" is simply taking God at His word - HIS WORD - and choosing to believe the truth that He has been trying to communicate to me ... to the world ... that His goodness is waiting to be lavished on His kids!  I'm not ashamed to say that this morning I am thanking God and asking Him to lavish me ... to overwhelm me ... because of who HE is ... His goodness.  If I can trust Him to save me from my sins, why can't I trust Him to lavish on me goodness?!

My Chris and I have noticed that we have settled into some sort of "crumb" mentality.  We have been satisfied with getting crumbs from our Father's table.  He don't want to be flashy or radical - we have been OK with asking for just enough to squeak by.  Just enough faith, just enough dinero, just enough patience ... just enough.  Oh my word!  Scripture says just the opposite!

Let the "crumb" days be over and let the lavish days begin!!

Dramatic in the waiting -
christina

This comes as no shock to those who know me:  I take a pill for anxiety.  I have for years.  I've come out of the closet long before it was cool ... perhaps it still isn't cool.  Because of the pill, I've been able to sit across women, over cups of coffee and feel the pain as they express their shame, their sense of brokenness, their hurt over the concept of taking a pill and trying to balance their faith in a powerful, healing God.

Still reading the book one thousand gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right where You Are by Ann Voskamp.  I want to write the words of paragraph that I found to be ... nothing short of profound.
True, certainly, there are organic, biological causes to anxiety, and there may certainly be underlying chemical issues that warrant medication.  I have filled prescriptions.  This has been right.  All anxiety is not spiritual.  And yet I know and haltingly confess:  Much of the worry in my own life has been a failure to believe ... a wariness to thank and trust the love hand of God. (p. 148-149)

Go Ann.  Much of the worry in my life has been partly chemical ... but more worry that God is not good and can not be trusted.  If the bottom falls, the foot drops, the last straw laid ... will He be good?  I know with my intellect the answer.  My intellect says: yes.  My inner heart that has more power and is prone to anxiety says:  I don't know.

Knowing He is good ... has been good ... will always be good is a discipline of my heart, will, and the lassoing of anxiety.  "Jesus replied, 'This is the work (service) that God asks of you:  that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger]'" (John 6:29 AMP).

God has given me daily opportunities to make a choice.  Believe Him ... and His goodness ... in the middle of complicated ... OR ... not to.  When I don't ... when I choose the "not to" ... stress raises it's ugly head to the point another pill is popped for all the wrong reasons and my foundation is shaky.

I make my lists of gifts.  I'm on #102.  Being grateful.  That's what keeps this discipline of trust alive in my heart, real for me,  transforming.  I can't be grateful and stressed at the same time.

counting ...
me



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I love to write. I love to tell stories. I've been writing since I was a kid; it's just something I do. With a cup of coffee in one hand, I attempt to show our ordinary life in an up close, personal, and authentic way. I make no apologies for my belief in a Life Author, God, who desires to show us who He is. Thus, I see our journeys as purposeful adventures. I am a wife. My Chris and I have been married since 1991. Everyday I wake up and find him in my bed, looking at me with no makeup on and dark circles under my eyes, I thank GOD he is a man of faithful endurance! I am Mom to 3 girls: Addison, Parker and Libby. They challenge me to be all I was created to be. I hope you come away with something useful, inspiring, humorous, or helpful. That's my goal ... and why I scribble words on a page. Enjoy!
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