What do you do with hurt?

In the last 7 days, I've had so much hurt I feel like my heart will burst.  It's not that one single hurt has taken precedence over the other, it's the accumulation of the hurt that has taken its toll on my humanness.  The events are broken down into the "Biggies" and the "Minors".  The "Biggies":

• My cousin, in her early 40's, has just been diagnosed with aggressive stage 2 breast cancer.

• My mother-in-law, in her late 70's, has declined in health and now faces yet another care transition.

• My friend, in his mid 40's, died suddenly just last night.

• My teammate is dealing with a life way too hard.  As we speak, her Mother is dying and we are trying to help her navigate international flights during COVID.

Add to that the "Minors": 

• car repairs

• a constantly dripping faucet in my upstairs bathroom

• a migraine headache

• a surgery for my Mom, JoAnn

• and unemployment for my youngest daughter who needs money to do her teenage life

And then, the nagging feeling that "normal" life has evaporated to a far away place, the toxicity of news, the division in my community, the chatter on Facebook ... it all piles up on tender hearts that when left unattended makes one feel ... hurt.

What do you do with the hurt?

• When I heard of my cousin's diagnosis I cried.  I called her.  I prayed.  I told My Chris.

• As we've dealt with the myriad of details that seem to consume us with the transition of my Mother-in-law, I've gotten frustrated. I've cried. I've been angry. I've escaped by watching old episodes of "Highway to Heaven" on Netflix.

• When I heard the news of my friend's death I cried.  I questioned why our collective prayers were not answered by renewing his body to live.  I anguished for his wife who is a dear friend.  I didn't sleep.

• When I talked with my teammate, I, too, felt her hurt.  When I got off the phone, I cried.  Her words echoed mine but it was her hurt I felt.  I'm calling to find out what you have to do to travel internationally during a worldwide Pandemic.  Even typing the words seems like a science-fiction novel.

The other "minor" things just get pushed aside to deal with when they are most ready for my attention.  They don't require my mental energy to the degree of the "Biggies".  They do require emotional stamina which seems to elude me right now.

What do you do with the hurt?

Lesson #1:  Acknowledge there will be trouble.

As a follower of Jesus, I am not promised life lived through rose colored glasses.  Quite the contrary.  Jesus says that in fact there will be trouble.  Trouble.  Right here in River City.  Trouble with a capital "T"!  I've lived enough years on the planet to get that.  Trouble in this life is a promise.  You can always count that there will be trouble.  To live with the expectation that bad things will not happen is futile.  Put on your big girl panties and face the reality.  

Lesson #2:  Acknowledge there will be peace.

In the middle of the trouble, there is also peace.  It sounds like an oxymoron but most of the things Christ followers anchor their lives upon does.  Christs' way of navigating life doesn't follow the world's rule books.  We live by faith.  But we also live knowing that He is peace and gives peace.  I don't understand it. I just choose to continue living in it.  This peace billows down like a heavy fog and envelopes the inner cracks of my soul.  It's what I need when I hurt.  And when I hurt, I need it 24/7.

Lesson #3:  Acknowledge there will be relief.

Trouble will pass.  New trouble will come, but the current trouble will pass.  How I walk through the trouble is crucial.  Living in the midst of trouble wanting it to be over and not dealing with the reality it brings, surprised by it, or refusing to utilize the peace in the middle of it is a recipe for disaster.

Now is the time to mature in our faith.  The world isn't in need of a pansy, Sunday School kind of religious  movement that puts sweet labels on circumstances and ties everything up in a special prayer-like mantra.  It's time to put on combat boots and live our faith as movie- character Heroes.  It's time.  Trouble, it's all around us.  It's time to show the world what living with Jesus in the middle of the Trouble can do for a weak human living with total dependence on the supernatural arms of a strong God who can overcome anything.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

Secret.  Life often sucks.  This morning I am thinking of several friends, friends of friends, or current news.  Every person who occupies a space in my head has a story of hurt.  The hurt is real enough that it could overtake them.  The ones that I know personally who are hurting make me hurt, too.  Funny how we humans empathize with friends.  This must be how God feels when we hurt.  After all, we are made in the image of the One who whispered life into our bodies.

Secret.  I love order.  Usually, this love of order spills right into my morning routine (the fact that I said routine should be a blatant give-a-way of my love of order).  I usually have a plan of what to read in my Bible.  From that plan, I write insights, prayers, heart moments.  This morning, no plan.  The weight of the hurt from others weighs me down in heavy clothes and mood.  The only plan I have is to seek the One who knows the hurt.

Secret.  I love David.  Often schizophrenic in His approach to God, I can relate.  He bears all, this man after God's own heart.  He rises on heights seemingly too high for mere mortals and then falls so deep the dark overtakes him.  The only consistency in his writing is that he knows - KNOWS - the One to whom he praises or bellows from his belly




Sounds desperate?  Desperate and real.  Yet in these moments of letting emotion mote and feelings feel he follows up with:

"God is my shield."
"God is an honest judge."
"I will thank the Lord who is just."

He knows himself.  He is not his own shield, an honest judge, or just when it comes to his enemies.  In the heat of the moment, we often misplace our pain.  We place it on God, ourselves, others and beg that it be erased, immediately.  But what I see in our friend, David, is that he overturns his natural tendency to spout unreal sentiments in the heat of the moment and surrender his feelings to the authority of God.

Secret.  I love promises.  When someone promises me they will do something, bring me something, offer me something ... I delight.  When God gives me a promise, I hold on for dear life.  I hold on too tightly, afraid, in fact, that the circumstances I find myself in will somehow have the power to undo the promise given and make me hurt all the more.  Can we all just recognize that as a lie?

A promise - in the middle of pain - doesn't always erase the pain or change my circumstances but it gives me HOPE.  The kind of hope that Psalm 37 speaks about ... "trust in the Lord and do good and you will live safely in the land and prosper."  Trust - in the middle of the pain - the promise of God.

Finally, I love that David gives a visual of this because visual learner that I am, I need a picture.  Here's the picture.  A table.  A table in the middle of chaos.  Psalm 23:5 paints a beautiful picture of what holding on to a promise in the middle of pain looks like, "He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies."  A promise from God is a certificate of authority.  Use it and trust it.  It's your ticket toward resting in the middle of pain and not succumbing to it.

Sitting at a table ...
Christina

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Three times from John 18:29 - 19:6 Pilate tells the religious leaders who have brought Jesus to him to be executed that he - head guy who calls the shots - finds Jesus - not guilty.

Lesson:  There will be times when we are charged with an offense for something that we are found to be without guilt.

Facing Jesus, trying to look him in the eye with curious yet fearful gazes, Pilate declares to Jesus, "Don't you realize I have the power to release you or crucify you?"  This is good.  Pilate was speaking facts.  Truth, however, spoke louder than facts.

Here we go again with my reference to a great love of mine, the NLT Study Bible (p. 1811 referring to John 19:11 and then 19:30):

• "Although Pilate had the power to crucify Jesus it was only because God had given him temporary power so Jesus could advance to the cross."
• "On the cross Jesus was not a victim, but a servant doing God's bidding."

He has no power over me.  
Jesus
to His disciples
referring to "the ruler of this world"
Satan.

He.has.no.power.over.me.

NLT Study Bible says this:  The events unfolding in Jerusalem that led to the cross were not controlled by the ruler of this world, meaning Satan.  The cross was not an accident and Jesus was not a helpless victim.  Rather, Jesus was obedient to God's plan (page 1803).

Hmm?  How many times have I thought I had no power over the ruler of this world?  Or, that the circumstances I was facing caused me to be a victim?  How would things have changed if I had seen them as an opportunity for me to simply be obedient to God's plan ... and rendered the enemy powerless?

Story.  Once upon a time, my Chris and I experienced one of the hardest times in our lives.  We felt attacked personally and professionally.  The heart-ache that we endured was none other like we had experienced.  The most painful part of the whole thing was the participants of the conflict were like-minded people - Christians.

Looking back, the experience brought us to a new place, taught us the difference between relationship and religion, and dared us to trust God more than men.  Tough lessons but well worth the education.

Yet, while walking through the mire of that situation, there were often times that I believed the opposite of what Jesus told His disciples.  I DID believe that the ruler of this world had great power over me.  Because of the intensity of pain I was experiencing, I believed that there was no way out - that the enemy had won - that God was hiding ... or more disturbing still ... that God was cowering in a corner just like I was.

Therein lies the catch.  If Satan - the ruler of this world - can convince the followers of Jesus of a nasty little lie: He is not only the ruler but holds all power - then he's won.  However, for those of us who dare to trust God's Word as truth, it's a lie: to believe that we are victims to what the world throws at us.

What if I dare to believe that in difficult circumstance, I am not the victim?  I get to exercise the power that I have in Christ - through the Holy Spirit - to walk through being obedient to God and trust His plan.  Will it hurt?  Probably.  But the hurt molds and shapes me more like the One I am following.  Will it cost?  Probably.  But it will not cost more than the One I am following has already paid.

It's a paradigm shift from taking the role of a victim to that of a victor.  But, what does that really look like? Jesus still went to the cross; that was God's plan.  He didn't go through the experience pain free; he hurt.  But, all the while, He went through it in obedience to God - trusting His plan not His own.  He could have gone through kicking and screaming.  He didn't.  He walked through it - through the power of the Holy Spirit that had rested on him after being baptised by John.  He was in fellowship with His Father - in the midst of the anquish.  He knew who held the power - and who didn't.

On our own, we will believe lies.  Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we will believe truth.  We will know that we are not victims.

Putting on My Power Suit,
Christina


NLT=New Living Translation

I slept with an onion on my foot last night.  Don't judge me.  Onions are natural toxin soaker uppers (I read it on Facebook - again - don't judge!).  I have had some nasty virus plaguing my body for 5 days and decided desperate times called for desperate measures ... hence the onion.  My foot smells like body odor and my room smells like there has been a pot roast cooking in a crock pot for a really long time ... but ... I feel better!

A new year.  We recently attended a dinner party.  The host for our evening went around and asked his guests what had been the single-most exciting/inspiring/challenging event of 2014.  I had a list of experiences that could be exciting/inspiring/challenging.  Honestly, most of them fit into the challenging category.  As I chewed on his question, that night and for the next several nights to come, I stumbled quite innocently on a life principle.  Life is hard.

Because LIFE is hard, we were given more than adequate tools to combat those challenges on planet earth by a loving, powerful, intelligent, practical, and imaginative Father.  Not one of my "challenges" that I faced in 2014 overcame me ... killed me ... left me for dead on a dark highway ... caused permanent damage ... shook the world on it's axis ... robbed me of my family ... left me alone ... or sucked the life plum out of me.  Looking back ... I can say that rather pragmatically.  However, at the time, there was nothing pragmatic about my hurt ... or they way it affected my heart.

In 2014 I:

• lived on 2 different continents
• moved 5,324 from my closest friends and family
• resigned a job
• started a business
• moved 3 times
• changed my hairstyle a couple of different times
• experienced a hurt there are no words for
• watched one daughter enter high school
• bought starter bra's for another daughter
• and left an adult daughter standing at an airport while I climbed on a plane to move far, far away ... while she was left behind.

What I said during that dinner party was simple.  During all the ups  ... there were plenty ... I was most struck by the lessons learned during the "down".  When I found myself unable to sleep, worried, questioning the wisdom of a Father who runs the world at his whisper command, I found Him to be ... enough!

The hurt still stung, but just like my onion remedy, the toxins of the situation were removed ... leaving an aroma that my situation had been affected and directed by Christ ... by God ... by the presence of His Spirit.

One thing I know for sure, 2015 will bring hard LIFE.  I'm a fool to think otherwise.  However, hard LIFE has already been given REAL tools by the Spirit of God.  I am more than adequate to tackle whatever it brings.  My goal is to roll with it ... to allow God's Spirit to so change and mold and transform and repurpose all situations that are allowed in my life to bring HIM glory.  May the aroma of HIM surround my life ... like my onion remedy still lingers in my room!

scrubbing away onion juice from my foot,
christina

Last week I sat in one of my favorite cafes, sipping on a 2.60 euro vanilla latte, and listening to a young friend I mentor - who - by the way - has become more like a daughter - share from her heart.  I love this girl.  She and I share the loss of a mother to illness at young ages.  She and I share a similar world view. I'm young enough to "get" her generation and old enough to speak into it.  As she shared her highs and lows, I considered myself first a German grammar killer and then second a privileged soul for being given the opportunity of walking this journey with my young friend.

Just a few days ago I sat on my leaf printed IKEA clearance chair that sits in my entry way.  (I love this chair.)  As I sat, I listened to my dear sister.  She talked enough that the battery on my phone went dead.  For those of you who know this child, this is not surprising.  However, as she shared exurbs from her life, I knew I was being allowed a secret place in her heart.  The things she shared with me were not for the masses, just a privileged few, and I was one of those who was given entry.

This afternoon, I cried like a baby in my Addison's bedroom.  OK, I will say that I have been under the weather the last few days with some virus.  If you are a girl, you know how you get when you don't feel good.  Emotions kinda sit at the base of your gut waiting to come out ... in tears.  This is the first day I am feeling human and as I sat in Addie's room, I just found myself crying.  My heart is breaking if you must know.  I am already grieving this first great parting among us.  She's still part little girl but mostly part grown-up adult.  I love who she has become.  I see a bright and prosperous future for her.  Yet, I cry.  The ending of a season is fast approaching and all I can see is what I'm loosing.

Heartache is just part of life.  My young friend, my sister, me ... we all experienced some heartache.  The question then becomes ... what do you do with heartache?   It really doesn't matter the size of the heartache ... it hurts the same.  It drives us someplace.  It makes us aware of our frailty ... our humanness.  It keeps us honest with ourselves.  It makes bad hair days seem trivial and real life important.

Now, let me digress a bit and share the following.  This week I sat in a cozy living room on a cold and snowy day telling part of my story to a dear friend.  As I shared my life, the ups the downs, she listened.  After awhile, the clock reminded us that time had not stood still.  Feeling guilty for taking so much of her time with my words, I said, "I'm sorry I shared so much.  Poor you for having to hear it all!".  Then, she said the most profound words I've heard in a long time.  She said ... "Don't apologize.  I am the richer for having heard your story!" Isn't that precious?

This brings me back to the question:  what do you do with heartache?  You have to take it somewhere.  Where you take it determines your outcome.  For over 25 years, I've learned that food, shopping, good friends, writing, and even counselors are not the answer.  Do they help?  You betcha!  However, I've learned that the One who created me ... desires me to share my heartache with Him.  That's still a hard one to swallow!  I still can't believe that the Creator of the Universe is so in love with me that He treasures my words.  I still want to apologize to Him like I did my friend ... for taking up too much time ... for sharing too much.  Yet, I hear Him saying to me ... precious girl ... cast everything my way ... I care for you.

What do YOU do with heartache?

Addison, Libby and Parker ... in a former Season of life!

This morning I have time ... I'm making time to write.  Because words find their way into my head, lodge in my heart, and rattle around my brain most days ... I construct written pieces of material in the imaginary world that is my brain all the time.  However, it's only when I sit down at the computer do they find their way out in black and white.

Here are things that have taken place in real life since the last time I wrote:  a good friend had a baby, two friends are suffering from unknown illnesses, a 7th grade slumber party, coffee with friends, a birthday celebration, a prayer time with students, valentines day breakfast with my girls, laundry, death of an old friend, snow, and scatter a few lunches being packed and made, worries being smoothed by motherly wisdom, kisses and hugs, and the occational arguement over things that really don't matter ... that about sums it up.

As is my usual custom, I started my morning with really strong coffee and some time to sit and be quiet.  I read the following.  The words jumped right off the page and created an "Ah Ha" moment for me.

"Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still.  Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again.  Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells.  Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances.  Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, pg. 49)

As I have struggled these last moths with serotonin that lives well below the average, I've fought it.  I've not been thankful.  I've wished it away.  I've waited ... impatiently ... to be active again.  But, I'm on a learning curve.  Somewhere in the middle of this health stuff I got it.  I got that I am not the ruler of my world.  Shock.  I learned that when I fight what is not in hopes that the fighting will produce what I want ... I get so frustrated I could explode.  I've learned to cope.  I'm learning that success doesn't mean what I do.

So here's the kicker ... my serotonin is on the rise!  I don't have medical proof as I don't get blood drawn until March, however, I know.  I know because I can do more!  That's ironic, isn't it?

I love the part about getting older when you realize you've learned a great life lesson and you actually apply it.  That's what I'm learning now.  With new energy, I'm not jumping right back into the saddle.  I have to be a little more strategic in planning my days.  If I know something "big" is taking place I have to plan to rest.  Overall, "normal" is within reaching distance.  But, I don't want old habbits to erase the lessons learned.  Lessons like realizing that life is really more about the journey.  I'm seeing seasons emerge in my life as I watch the lives of those around me.

My friend who had the baby ... oh the memories that brings back!  The joy of seeing a baby human in your arms that lived in your womb ... wow!  And yet, that season of my life is gone.  My baby is slowly packing to leave my nest.


 My two friends that are suffering from unknown illnesses.  The heartache of living in weakness ... wow.  And yet that season in my life, too, is gone.  When Anxiety reared its head for the first time all those years ago, it stopped me in it's tracks.  Little did I know what a comrade it would become.

A 7th grade slumber party reminds me of how long ago this body was in 7th grade!  The hormones and hairdo's of this season in life ... wow.  And, thankfully, that season in my own life is gone ... long gone.  It has come full circle as I watch my own 7th grade daughter step into this phase of life following my footsteps.

Each season of life is so full, so rich, so sprinkled with "hard" and "easy" at the same time.  When we are smack dab in the middle of them they seem so eternal.  However, a little experience and perspective reminds me that seasons are just that ... seasons.  They go.  They don't last as long as we anticipate.  Instead of grasping too tightly or longing for them to last a little longer ... we've got to hold them with loose fingers.  That's really the hard part, isn't it?

My sweet friends baby is gonna grow up way too fast ... my friends will get well ... my 7th grader will one day be a college graduate.  Seasons.  Living in the moment, aware of the One who holds it ... and controls it ... that's the key in living them.

Our family, along with about 1,200 fellow workers from our company, got the privilege of attending a conference in Greece.  Having never been, yet having pictures in my head of this land, it was a wonderful experience.



While in Greece, God showed me all kinds of things that this blog simply does not have the room for ... nor do you have the patience for!  However, let it be said that all sorts of "things" are running around in my head.



One illustration kind of sums up the rumblings in my head.  Let me just tell my story.


The pool at the resort where we stayed was just beautiful.  The first day we checked in I sat poolside enjoying the blue waters and gorgeous views.  The second day we were there, I found out about a second pool - a saltwater pool.  Somewhere along the third day a friend told me about the beach.  Apparently, the resort had its own private beach ... open to the Aegean Sea!

As I come home and I reflect about my week, I kinda see my life as a modern day parable to the pools and beach at the resort.  I was so happy to discover the first pool.  The water was warm.  There were plenty of places to sit and drink in the sun.  It was clean.  It was pretty.  I was content.

When I happened upon the saltwater pool I was taken by the warmth, the buoyancy, the novelty of all that lovely saltwater in a ceramic bathtub like setting.

However, as I made my way down to the beach, taking in the vastness of the Aegean Sea ... and watching the sun set for the first time against the backdrop of the salty sea water ... I was speechless.  It was there all the time.  I would have been content to sit poolside never knowing that just a few steps more and an entire sea awaited me.


As I wade through this season of my life, embracing whatever it holds for me, I don't want to be content sitting poolside when an entire Sea awaits me.  If it's pain, I want to let the pain do it's work in me so I might experience all God intends for me.  Can I be honest?  Pain hurts.  Right now I'm stirring up the courage to read a book by Dr. Paul Brand called "The Gift of Pain".  I'm no stranger to pain.  If you've lived in this world for more than a minute, neither are you!  In fact, your life starts off with pain. Let's face it, the slap on the butt by the doctor just continues throughout your life time.  Somehow, however, we've turned pain into something to be avoided.  Now, don't hear me wrong.  I'm not advocating we all jump on the pain bandwagon and throw a party.  Boo.  If I'm honest, I hate pain.  But, as I walk through some personal pain, I'm finding it compels me to ignore who I think I am and am not and trust who God is ... and is not.  Pain seeks truth.

If it's joy, I want to let the joy do it's work in me so I might know ... really know ... what it means to be called a child of God.  I've got a 8 year old who teaches me the intense satisfaction of finding joy in all things, especially if they come wrapped in a plastic wrapper and covered in chocolate!  However, why shouldn't the little things in life ... that bring us joy ... cause us to take a deep breath and exhale in the awe that God himself, creator of our "joy" radar, provided that just for us?

If it's wonder, let me wonder on and on about the great vastness of a Savior that desires more and more of me as I become less and less.  I stood in wonder at the beach as I heard the waves rush in and envelope my ankles in sea water.  I wondered at how the water knew its place, because it had a boundary.  I wondered how a Creator could be so intimately acquainted with all my ways and love in spite of them!  I felt small ... and it was OK.

Coming out of a week that refocused and re energized me to seek the One who knows me ... my heart ... my hurts ... my joys ... my wonders ... I'm finding myself more and more content sitting at the beach.  I don't know what the future holds ... and frankly it doesn't matter.  In a world that tries to figure out life, package it all up and sell it to the highest bidder, I'm content just to wait.

Sticking my toes in salt water and waiting for the sun to set,
Christina