Pens and Anxiety: Remove by Friction

Let me introduce to you the most fabulous pen on the planet!

It's called the Pilot FriXion 0.5mm Erasable Pen. If I were a person of great wealth and little to no self-discipline, bent towards compulsion and excessive shopping, I would buy every Pilot FriXion 0.5 mm Erasable Pen I could get my unbalanced little hands on!

I first encountered this jewel while shopping for a new pen in which to use for journaling. I love pens. Not the way I love pizza, or coffee, or my Chris. My love for pens is on an entirely different plane, inexplicable, passionate. So, when I first spotted the Pilot FriXion (PF from this point on) I admired it from afar. It was a bit too pricey despite the smooth writing surface and attractive appearance. I've got to be honest. Since it was an erasable pen, I formed a judgment against it. My only experience with erasable pens has been negative. The ink is weak. It smears the surface of your writing space. I just don't like them. Judgment made.

My Chris and I recently took our B2 German tests. We needed a good pen for the extensive writing portion of the test. And, if I'm totally honest, I love buying a new pen for special occasions. This was just a better excuse for indulging my passion.

As I browsed about the pen aisle, I kept coming back to the PF, despite my rather harsh judgment against it being an erasable. In the end, my logic pushed me towards the purchase of the PF. I am so thankful my head ruled over my heart ... for it led me to the discovery of this amazing writing utensil. It writes smooth. The ink is stark. And, when you need to erase ... one rub of the built-in eraser allows for quick and easy correction, leaving no smudges and no trace of the poorly executed mistake. It's the best pen I've ever purchased. Judgment made.

Yesterday my old thorn "anxiety" came to visit. I have been on a long journey of discovery recently. I am convinced that sickness - all sickness - can be healed by God. I have been reading and studying the book of Acts in the Bible. I've recently read a very old classic by author Andrew Murray, Divine Healing, and this has all led me into a place of believing that my anxiety can be and will be healed by God. Judgment made.

Honestly, it would be easier to just continue to accept anxiety as a gift that keeps me humble and can be treated well by modern medicine. For years, people inside the church told me numerous times that if I would just trust God for my healing, it would come. I did trust God, but it didn't/hasn't come yet. Well meaning people told me that if I was a true Christian, I would not be experiencing anxiety. No comment. Still others told me that this could be result of sin in my life. Perhaps. I do not harbor any animosity towards these people. They are where they are in their journey ... and we are all just wanderers, aren't we? ... trying to figure out life and God and how to react to both. They've made their judgments ... and so have I ...

However, I feel that God wants to show me a deeper level of trust in Him. My relationship with anxiety has brought me fear. That fear drove me to a place of panic. The panic brought me to a place of surrender. The surrender brought me to a place of acceptance. The acceptance has brought me to a place of rest. Now, however, I am restless. I feel there is something more God wants to show me ... something deeper.

I have no answers. I only sense that the Spirit of God is directing me to look at new things through His word, the Bible. Jesus brought healing. Healing brought awareness of who He was. Awareness brought joy. I'm on a new path of discovery and when I reach the place He desires me to be ... I will be better for having made the journey!

I do not believe that the miracles Jesus performed on earth were for a set time in history. They were radical, bringing controversy and questions to the universe. He relied solely on the power of a healing God ... not a 10 step program for getting out of sin; not a step-by-step guide for learning to trust more; not a solid definition of a true Christian to be memorized. In fact, out of great love and compassion, he required only faith in the name of Jesus. That's it. Shazamm, healing!

I love how my Sunday school judgment of Jesus is constantly changing. My relationship with Jesus cannot be put on a felt board and described by a series of well-drawn settings. Jesus was real and dynamic and bold and "out there" as an alternate way of looking at the world. The religious traditions of men had reduced God to their view of who He was. Jesus came to restore order ... to show us truly who God is!

Now, before you begin thinking I've been chasing a rabbit and have forgotten all about my beloved PF, let me draw this all together.

Yesterday, while I was sobbing on my couch, asking God why the anxiety has not left ... not been healed ... and questioning the voices of the past "Am I not trusting you ... is there hidden sin in my heart ...“I look down at my PF. In the midst of my crisis, I see the word "remove". The cap was covering the rest of the sentence. As I tugged at the cap, revealing the rest of the phrase here is what I read...

remove by friction

OK, the PF was talking about the ink. It's erasable. When I want to remove the unwanted written words, all I have to do it apply friction, and my little built-in eraser will remove, by friction, that which I do no wish to see.

At that moment, the Spirit of God spoke to my upset and anxiety filled heart.

remove by friction

Whatever He is doing in my heart, friction will remove it. Friction comes when my ideals are not aligned with Gods. Friction can also come when I am choosing to listen to lies and not truth. It may take a bit of friction at first to get everything in order. Then, when it's aligned correctly ... shazam! Judgment made.

You may think I'm naive. You may patronize me with imaginary pats on the head. It's ok ... I'm used to that! However, whatever is going on ... it's taking me deeper and deeper toward seeing the heart of a holy God who is bigger and wilder and more than a picture on a felt board. It's a journey. One I am willing to take. Judgment made.