Tanner James
It hits me
at the oddest moments. I can be in the
living room, watching a movie and having a great “family” moment when it
happens. Or I might be listening to the giggles of my girlie's, laughing at their Dad as he busts a 70’s disco move when it
sneaks up on me. This is my unexpected
grief. This is the grief of losing a child.
Over 18
years ago, I was pregnant. It was my
first. My Chris and I knew it was the
right time to have a baby. I kept the
plus sign on the store bought pregnancy test a surprise and waited for a grand
moment to let Chris know that soon our love-nest would include a baby. It was a big deal. There was a lot of fanfare. Grandparents cried. Plans were set in motion for a nursery.
Then, all
of a sudden, it was over. I had a
miscarriage. The doctor said I was lucky
I was only 8 weeks along. A procedure
was done to remove the rest of the tissue.
A week later I was back at work.
I tried to tell myself this was no big deal. I grieved only in the shower so Chris wouldn’t
hear the tears.
Several
months later, another positive pregnancy test followed 9 months later with a
bouncing baby girl. That’s when it
really hit me … this was my second baby.
Despite the “failure to thrive” diagnosis to soothe a broken heart of a
first time Momma, the fact is I had a baby growing inside of me. As I watched my new baby embrace life there
was a silent reminder in the back of my head of another baby who didn’t get
this far on planet earth.
I have
properly grieved baby number one. In my
head, I always see a little boy … we had picked out the name … Tanner … Tanner
James. It’s him I grieve. It’s him that causes those unexpected moments
of grief.
Now, if I’m
chopping onions and I think about him … I shed tears. The tears are not from the onions … and they
are not from sadness. As time and God
have applied soothing balm to my Mamma’s heart, these tears are happy
tears. These tears are thankful for
another child that waits for me.
Believing the word of God to be true, this Tanner James is waiting for
me in a place called heaven. Oh my
goodness, I can hardly wait to hear this boy of mine say, "Welcome home, Mama. Welcome home.".
For all the Mamma's who have children waiting for them, rest assured in the knowledge that a loving God knows our hurts and has provided a place for us to meet them one day. This place, a place prepared with love and sacrifice, is heaven. It's real. It's waiting for all who utter the words of commitment to this loving God ... and the sacrifice He gave us through His son. His Son, Jesus, makes it possible for me to see my son one day. How can I ask more ... how can I say thank you for a gift and promise like that?
Tags:
heaven
miscarriage
2 comments
I look forward to meeting my four babies in heaven. The oldest would be 26 next month.
ReplyDeleteI read the book Heaven Is For Real, about Colten who met his sister that his mom miscarried a few years before, in heaven when he died for a few moments on the operating table. I also believe that I have two twin babies in heaven waiting for me, waiting on the lap of Jesus, to say, "Hi, Mom!" My life is full with my three kids but every once in awhile, in the quiet moments, I pause to remember my other babies who I didnt get to meet yet.
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