To Mom at Christmas

You may not know, but the woman who gave birth to me, I most resemble, and was the first female I loved ... and called "Mom" ... has resided for about 18 years in ... heaven.  When she died, I was 27, was a Bride for about 4 years, had a 16 month old baby, and lots and lots of unresolved emotional baggage.

What I think I most appreciate about life but especially about a journey toward discovery with God ... is the way He uses time to transforms us humans.  The healing of wounds, the passing of time, the ability to see clearly leads me to this day.

If I had a way to send my Mom a letter ... this is what it would say:

Dearest Mother,

It's Christmas - your favorite time of the year.  It never ceases to amaze me how this time of year floods me with memories of my childhood:  closed doors that hid your schemes to sew a Christmas dress ... gifts hidden under your bed ... the giddy way you'd get excited over us opening our stockings (even as adults) ...  homemade divinity ... coffee cakes (how I'd kill for one of those right now!) ... you humming "I'll be home for Christmas" ... you delighting over getting a robe - every Christmas!!! - candlelight Christmas Eve's ...  giant smiles over simple things ... you!!

There are so many things I wish I could tell you ... but most of them don't have words to articulate the vast emotions that fill the deepest parts of my heart.  I guess what I want to tell you most of all ... is thank you.

As a mother, I feel I can relate to you, finally.  Especially this year ... having a grown-up daughter coming home for Christmas.  This is how you must have felt when I would come home from college.  Thank you for making it so special.

There is such a bond there with Mother and Daughter.  I think most Daughters don't realize it until they become Mothers.  You kept a hidden treasure deep inside your heart that I can finally unlock as a Mom to daughters.  We now share that mutual bond.

I just want to tell you that I still miss you ... especially at Christmas.  I'm so thankful for Shirley and JoAnn ... who mother me so well.  I know you would love how they love me.  All those "little" things that Mamma's do ... they do them.  I know that would make you smile.

One day I envision us sitting for long periods of time ... me sipping coffee and you tea ... talking about our journey's of Motherhood.  You will nod your head when I tell you how it felt to see Addison walk off the plane for the first visit in 4 months ...  how it feels to look at Parker and realize she looks more like a woman than a little girl ... and how I want to hold on to every moment left of Libby's girlhood knowing how fast the others traveled this chapter.  You know!

Merry Christmas, Mom.
I love you.
I.really.love.you.

Your daughter ... who is finally beginning to understand what it means to be a Mom,
christina