Love and Respect ... a new perspective on an age-old principle

I have a friend named Jackie. Jackie is a walking resource center. You need something on ADHD, she’s got it. You need to know the metric equivalent of a ½ ounce, she’s got it. You need to know how to buy a juicer, she’s got it. You need to know where to buy a Russian Bible in a German speaking country, she’s got it. You need directions … don’t ask!

Recently during an impromptu coffee date, she mentioned the title of a book she had just finished reading, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I tucked the information into the constant open file that is my brain and went on my way. I thought of it more for other people than for me … (such a martyr) … but then kept thinking about the book.

Fast forward to another coffee date with another friend, Carrie. Catching up on all things from kids to recipes, she mentioned something God was doing in her heart concerning her marriage. Her words resonated deep in my heart. In fact, God used her words to stick so deep into my heart … to the point that before we said goodbye, I asked her if she would keep me accountable to order the book Jackie mentioned … and another one she suggested.

Now, I am a book gal. I love reading. As a kid, I should have done more running about than reading … but books were a great escape. I love to read all kinds of books. However, I am not one that hangs her hat on every new book that comes down the literary pike. I know that lots of great people write great things! However, not every great writer has a great new principle to follow for everyone that reads it! Sometimes, it’s just a revelation that was to be imparted to that person for that time to alter their behavior or give insight to a new way of doing things … for them. It’s not meant to be a stamped copy for others to follow as “rule” and implement in their own lives.

Let me case a rabbit here. Because of the line of work my husband is in, he gets lots of new information on the latest ways of reaching people. Many, many, many of them are great resources and help a brain catch a vision for trying something new. Kudos to those kinds of things! However, just because it is in print, and just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean it’s something I need to do/try/worship in my life. If I am not hearing from and reading the words of my Father on a daily basis … then trying to add a human author’s guidebook for my life is a little sort sighted on my part. I’ve got to daily be investing in the relationship that matters and then add other things that He allows and desires into my life as wisdom to influence and help grow what He is already doing. Enough said. Off my soap box.

I came straight home from my coffee date with Carrie, told Chris about the books I felt God wanted me to read and ordered them straight away.

I’m reading Love and Respect. On the back of the book there is a statement that says:

A Simple Message
A wife has one driving need – to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need – to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy.

I’ve been reading this book saying things like, “Oh that’s good!” I’ve been underlining things I want to repeat to others. I’ve been making mental notes of things I’ve seen others do and why their marriages suffer.

Then, last night, I get to put into practice the basic biblical principle this book is talking about. Wives, respect your husbands.

I’ve been sick. Now, Addison is sick. Chris lines up a doctor’s appointment for both of us. The office is in our neighborhood, a mere 5 minute walk from our place.

I am a direction girl. I have a good head on my shoulders when it comes to directions and can find my way around very well. My Chris ... generally ... isn’t. That’s why we are a good match! Knowing this about my Chris, I ask him before we leave the house if I should Google map the directions to make sure we know the way. Nope. He’s got it.

After a 5 minute walk in our neighborhood, we find no doctor’s office. After standing on the corner of an intersection, waiting for Chris to ask someone for directions, we find no doctors office. It’s cold. I’m sick. Addison is sick. “This is why I suggested I look at the directions before we left the house,” I say in a self-righteous knower of my way around tone of voice.

There. I did it. I inserted a dagger into my Chris’ Respect. He didn’t need my little sassy comment. I felt so justified in saying it. I felt it needed to be said. I wanted to say it so he would know I was right. I wanted to remind him who has the better sense of direction. Fact is … he knew all of that before I opened my mouth. It didn’t need to be said.

I could feel the impact of my hateful words the minute they tripped of my tongue. Instead of being a jerk, instead of engaging in my immature banter, he simply replied with … “I’m trying really hard here.” Ouch.

Fact is, for the last 6 days, he has been father, mother, cook, taxi, book reader, homework helper, medicine giver, all the while trying to maintain his daily work schedule. I didn’t take time to consider these facts … I just knew from my selfish point of view that he wasn’t finding the doctor’s office and I was “suffering”. That’s mature!

After trying one more office, we began the treck back to our place in hopes to start all over in finding the doctor’s office, which we successfully did just … 5 minutes in the other direction. During the treck home, my Chris walked beside me, grabbed my hand, and said he was sorry. He was sorry! It was I who needed to be sorry!

I love this man. After 20 years of marriage, I’m getting this sense that the years before this day have all been rehearsal. Now, it’s the real thing. Now it’s time to really make the days count. I’ve done what I’ve done to make this good, but now good is not enough. I want to make this … sacred. I want to be a respectful wife … to meet the needs of my husband … but to allow others to get a glimpse of glory in our marriage! God does things like that … use the humble and weak to show the glory of a real God.

So now, over the blogger network … and in front of God and everyone … I am making a statement to relearn Respect. I’ll keep you posted. Perhaps if you want the truest picture of how I’m doing … ask my Chris.