Chris and my foot in Scotland ... still moving forward!

In January 2009, our family went through "training" as part of our preparation for living overseas.  The goal was to equip us for culture shock, team dynamics, adaptation to language ... an introduction to a new worldview.  I'll be honest.  I skipped out on some sessions, heading to Wal-mart with other gals in an attempt to fit one more "good deal" into our already overstuffed suitcases ... or camped out by myself at a coffee shop just to collect my thoughts.  Most times I was present in those sessions ... pysically ... but mentally spent the hours making lists of things I needed to do before packing up my life and heading out for my new adventure.

Now, four years later, I see the value in that time. It was beneficial. It was preparatory. However ... no amount of training could have prepared me, my little heart, nor my mind for the things I was about to encounter. That's kind of where I am today ... in a reflecting kind of mood. 

In June, we will leave our beloved home for 6 months of stateside living. Up until now, we've not let ourselves live with our hearts or heads back "home".  We've made every effort to make where we are our "home" ... and it is.  However, as our time gets closer, every now and then, I find myself floating forward ... wondering what it will be like to live in a place that is my homeland. The fear, wonder, excitement, and feelings of the unknown lurk in my future ... in my going "home" ... just as they formerly did prior to setting foot here ... weird.

In the looking forward, I always spend a little time looking back.  During those 8 weeks of training, no one could have prepared me for the way my heart would hurt when I dropped off my little Libby, then 5 years old, at her Kindergarten.  I knew only enough German to find a toilet and yet I was leaving my baby in the care of strangers who spoke no English.  As she tore at my jacket, begging me not to leave, I would keep my brave, Mommy face on, reassuring her it was all gonna be OK until I got out of her sight.  Then, like clockwork, the tears would pour down my face.  Each step I took to catch my strassenbahn (streetcar) to school was a silent step of faith in a God who I knew would take care of me ... and my baby.

Our weeks of training could not have prepared my pride for the way I would feel in a government office, trying to respond to basic questions while dropping off my Visa application to live in my new country with all of the other "foreigners".  Being seen as ignorant became a way of life as I fought hard to learn German grammar and accent. 

Certainly no training session covered the way my soul would ache for friends for my older girls.  I will never forget the moments at my sweet Parker's bedside, as we prayed and asked Jesus to give her a friend ... just one friend who could be her kindred spirit.  Or ... the time my Addison announced that it was OK for her not to have any friends ... because she thought this would be a good time for her to learn what is like to have only Jesus as a friend.  Insert immediate pain into this Momma's heart.

After living here only 8 months, Chris' Dad died.  As we scrambled to find a plane ticket back home, the night before Christmas Eve, no one could have prepared me for the way my heart would feel spending Christmas ... alone ... in a strange country ... with my girls ... while My Chris was thousands of miles away, stuck in an airport, trying to get to his father's funeral.  Knowing his grief was to be experienced alone made my heart all the more heavy.

As I type these paragraphs of memories, they don't make me break down in tears.  They serve as reminders of how BIG God is ... how strong humans are when they trust Him ... and how we are capable of more than we think or imagine when we lay our agenda's, preferences and defaults aside ... putting one foot in front of the other ... to follow a capable and mysterious God.

The months ahead bring a lot of "stuff" we have to do.  If I think about each little component individually, I won't lie ... I get kind of freaked out.  I have a life to wrap up here, with relationships and ends that need to be tied up ... school for younger girls to be arranged ... an adult child to introduce to college ... and all things "on her own" ... as she prepares for flight out of this Momma's nest ... and other things that I don't even know about ... just lurking behind the corner.

However, just as life seems to be like a good book ... new chapters are lived through the knowledge of what you've just experienced.  Whatever lies ahead, I won't be prepared for  ... my heart will learn new things ... and be injured in new ways ... and it has to be that way.  Faith is lived out through the unknown of what's to come.  However, faith is grown and made beautiful when we walk, step by step, forward ... into that great unknown ... trusting in One that knows the coming chapters.

Looking forward ... putting one foot in front of the other,
Me