Feeling Motherless
Recently, a precious soul I would like to know better constructed a phrase on social media that has stuck with me: feeling motherless. In my experience with women, one common issue that always rises to the surface - other than body image being usually somewhere near the top - is the issue of Mother/Daughter relationships.
In an ideal world, all of our Mom's would be loving, naturally maternal, bake great cookies, work part-time jobs, not embarrass us in front of our peers, always give the best advice, remember what we said we wanted for Christmas, send us cards in the mail, treat us like adult children, be emotionally present, say I'm sorry, influence us for good, and a host of other wish-list characteristics that we could all pick and choose from that would best suit our needs/wants/desires/hopes. We've all got a list.
Children need Moms from the beginning. For example, the most dysfunctional person can become a Mom. She deposits into the heart of her baby a need for the one that gave birth to them to love them. Even if that love is offered in unhealthy doses, conditional timing or sparingly given, it's always wanted.
I have rarely met another woman who was physically abused by, abandoned by or legitimately orphaned from her Mother. Yet, so many women struggle with the relationship with their Mom. We, daughters, get much of our ideal womanhood from our Moms.
My Mom baked coffee cakes every Christmas for neighbors, friends and co-workers. I watched as she followed a recipe for her dough, arranged the shapes for the end result, adorned with red and green sprinkles and decoratively packaged these tasty morsels. There was no official lesson. She didn't give a narrative of why she was doing this or how you should do this or even what her motivation was for doing this ... I was just a watchful bystander. I learned some lessons: it's nice to be hospitable, fun to make things for those for whom you care and Christmas is a time to give.
My Mom also struggled in life. She suffered a stroke at the age of 38 years that altered the trajectory of her life for the next 10 years until her early death at 48 years. I learned a lot of lessons during this time as well. These lessons have been less about Christmas cheer and more about pain. These lessons are the things that made me fearful to be a Mom.
What I tell most precious females who spin tales of their feelings of motherlessness through tear-stained faces is this ... which has become the deepest cry of my heart: HE knows.
HE - God - Creator of all things ... knows your heart. He knows your pain. He knows your longing. He knows your need. He knows your feelings. He knows it all. AND ... He knows your Mom. He knows her heart. He knows her pain. He knows her longings. He knows her need. He knows it all.
Your Mom is not your enemy. There is, however, an enemy that roams planet earth. His name is evil and his goal is destruction. He will take that which is most precious - a bond between a Mom and a child - and twist it into unrecognizable proportions that cause pain, hurt and feelings you were never intended to feel from a parent. He will use her past, her struggles and her challenges and hurl them towards you at breakneck pace to get you to question your worth, your value and your competence as a woman. If the one that gave you birth has issues with you ... then you are somehow inherently flawed. That's what you think, right? That, my dear, is a lie from the evil one. Lies conceal truth.
I listened to that lie. I listened and bought into it and lived in a place of hurt and misunderstanding for a long time. Too long. And then, because God is a good Father and desires my freedom more than my imprisonment, He revealed light into dark places. Light always exposes dark. Light always sets free.
I've come to know ... really know ... that God chose my Mom FOR me. And, I was chosen FOR her. He has used her to deposit so much yummy goodness in me I will be forever grateful. He used the pain in such a beautiful way I will be forever humble. It was never about me ... or my Mom ... but always about what God was doing to make all things work for my good.
Those things that caused me so much doubt about ever being a fit Mom have been used to make me passionate about being a Mom that looks to God for every thing I need to be the best Mom my girls deserve. They get all of me ... warts and all ... but all of me. They get the parts that are still rough around the edges. They get the parts that have been refined through pain. They get the parts that have been miraculously healed. They get the parts that are still trying to find balance. They get all of me ... who is giving all of me ... to the ONE that knows us best ... and chose each of us FOR one another.
Mothers and Daughters are precious. I'm in it for the long haul to ensure Mothers know how to be good Moms and Daughters learn how to rely on Him more than their Moms. I want to erase the feeling of motherlessness.
Doing it one Mom and Daughter at a time,
Christina
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